My Confessional for the Week

Okay, I'm just going to fess up and say it: I slept with that Turkish-American guy I met on our 3rd date. And yes, it was a BIG mistake. Not a mistake in that I didn't want for it to happen, not a mistake because I feel any shame, and definitely not a mistake because I did enjoy it. I deeply regret that we slept together too soon. I can't undo what's already been done. If I could turn back the clock, I would have held off.

I'll walk you through it...Things moved really fast between us. We talked and emailed each other everyday and started making plans for things far, far down the road, like New Years Eve. He was even making plan for us to go on a week long vacation this month. That was mistake number one. Never, EVER, talk about the future in that way when you first meet someone. But my experience with Turkish men has always been this way. They immediately stake their claim if they are interested in you or they'll blow you off rather quickly if they are not interested. In that way, it did not seem all that odd to me. American guys just don't talk this way.

THURSDAY: So we were at my place after having dinner together and one thing led to another. And BAM! He changed. It was almost like he was thinking "okay, I had her, now I don't need to pursue her as hard". Was it just my imagination? I wasn't really sure.

FRIDAY: We had plans to have dinner again and perhaps head over to his place. He emailed me at work and said that he was running behind schedule and would be a little later than usual. I had another bad feeling in my gut. But truthfully I was exhausted from the work week, so I cancelled our plans. He called me when he got home from work and our conversation just felt different (in a bad way). So I asked him if he was okay and he simply said that he had a few drinks after work and was just feeling mellow. Whatever...

I woke up on Saturday morning with a really bad feeling again and emailed him saying that I would like for us to just be friends and that we were not a good match for each other. It couldn't have been more brief. He immediately emailed me back and said that he was "surprised" and wish me luck too. End of story, right? Wrong!

That was last weekend and we did not speak or email each other at all. I figured what's done is done and it's time to move on. But last night I forwarded a GROUP email to friends and family and his email address was still hanging around, so he got the email as well. I was surpised this morning by his email to me saying "can a guy and a girl still be friends after they have been intimate?" I wrote him back and said that I meant what I said in my earlier email about us just being friends. The choice was his to make. I thought I was being a mature adult here, wouldn't you say?

He sent me another email saying he was packing for a trip and would contact me this Sunday "to catch up" I already knew he was leaving for this trip as he mentioned it to me when we were still seeing each other. He also wrote in his email that he had purchased a few new things in for his apartment which he wanted me to see.

CAN A GUY AND A GIRL BE "JUST FRIENDS" AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN INITMATE, as he said? More specifically, can a Turkish guy still be friends with a girl after being intimate? I am still friendly with some of my old boyfriends (Americans), and we get along just fine when we run into each other. After all, we are all adults here and none of my relationships (except for my ex-husband) ended in a knock down drag out fight. Those relationships just ended. But I would like to think that he and I can be friends. Maybe I'm naive.

So maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. But if he does, it'll be interesting to see how this one plays out. I've never been in this situation before with a Turkish guy.

Did I mention that he is 9 years younger than me? Maybe he just likes the "older" woman thing, I don't know. Now do you see why I blog anonymously??

Back to Reality

Okay, so I just turned 42 years old. That's a grim fact that I can't change. I can't turn back the clock or live in the past. I guess I should appreciate that I'm in good health, have family and friends who care about me, and have a crazy job that I enjoy (on most days). The truth is that I am more comfortable in my own skin more now than I was when I was 22. Oh man, could it be that I am actually maturing?

What's different now is that I act more responsibly (usually), care so much more about the feelings of others (I was totally self-absorbed in my 20's), and I find that I have greater patience these days in almost every aspect of my life.

I don't need a life partner to validate who I am. But I certainly would enjoy the journey in this life of mine more if I could share it with someone whom I feel deeply connected to. That person may never show up in my life and I need to wrap my brain around that. What if I never have what I am looking for? Should my life come to a screeching halt? I can't just lay down and die, especially since there many things in life that I am so passionate about. It's high time that I come to my senses and live each moment and to truly be in the moment. No more of those silly pity parties when there are things in life that are more important than finding the one. It's a new era.

Happy friggin' birthday to me

Remember when you were a kid and how excited you would become about your birthday approaching? I remember when I was 12 I was excited about turning 13 because I would officially become a teenager. I also recall how excited I was about turning 18 because I was about to be an "adult". And, of course, how could I forget about how excited I was when I turned 21 because I could finally drink legally in the United States (however, I was in Turkey on my 21st birthday).

Ah yes, those were the days. But now, getting a year older just depresses the hell out of me. It just reminds me that my youth is over and I am just one year closer to death. Morbid thought, I know. I look around me and think about all of the things I should and shouldn't have done with my life. I feel like the clock is ticking fast and I am simply running out of time to do the things that I wish to do. Time is just moving too fast.

I made the decision not to celebrate my birthday with friends or anyone else because I don't feel like celebrating. Instead, I will probably get 6 pack, a pack of smokes, and wallow in self-pity on this day (and wish this day would pass really fast).

Men, Sex and Relationships

My sense is that most men seek out relationships for one reason and one reason only: sex. If they were getting sex regularly without being in a relationship, they would never look to be in a real relationship (men: feel free to weigh-in here). There is little doubt in my mind that this is the case. I think that monogamy is unnatural for men. If you asked a man "if you were getting it from multiple partners, would seek out a relationship?", the answer would invariably be "hell no!". I mean, who are we kidding here? Sex is what drives men in selecting a partner(s). Am I wrong? When/if a man finally decides to settle down and get married, the first thing they consider is this: Is this someone I would enjoy sleeping with for the rest of my life?

Ladies, let's not kid ourselves here, to some extent we do it too. But it's different for us. We look at the whole package. We consider his personality, character, appearance, brains, ambition, earning potential, etc... Sex with the guy does not rank first on our list as it does with most men when they seek out a partner. It's amzes me that we ever wind up in relationships at all given that our agendas are so different.

Another One Bites the Dust

So I never did go out with the Pakistani. Instead, I went out a Turkish guy from Turkish Personals. We spent last Saturday and Sunday together and it's over already. There was just something that didn't feel right about it. The only thing I was able to do was to email him and say that we are not a good match for each other. Simple. Done and over with. Why drag out something that just doesn't feel right? These days I actually prefer concentrating on work than on dating. As crazy as my job is, I at least get some satisfaction out it, unlike this dating B.S. It's a crazy world and sometimes I feel as though I'm not in harmony with it. There is only so much disappointment that a gal can take!

Lunch Date

I was off from work yesterday and had my first eHarmony lunch date. Now let me start by saying that this guy writes on his profile that he looks younger than his stated age (47). When he and I first met, I knew immediately that there was no physical attraction. And he does look his age. There was no chemistry whatsoever but I figured he only had an hour for lunch and and I can certainly manage to get through that. We spent time talking about healthy eating which I know very little about. It felt awkward for me because I tried very hard not to show the boredom I was experiencing. The conversation just seemed to get more and more boring until we started talking about music, which I love. Even so, I knew deep in my heart that this nice guy sitting across from me was not going to see me again. After an hour went by, I said "Gosh, look at that, it's been an hour and 15 minutes, you should be getting back to your office". He said, "oh, it's okay we can take our time". Yeah, I realized that I would have to somehow bring this thing to an end on my own. So 45 more minutes passed and I said, "I really think we should leave now" and as I started to get up, he followed my lead. It's easy to end a fun date. But how do you end it when you know you don't want to have contact with the person ever again? As we began walking, he said he had a nice time and wanted to get together again. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and simply said, "yeah". We had an awkward embrace and we parted ways. I came home to a nicely written email from him thanking me for meeting him for lunch. Now what do I do? What do I write back? Should I write back? Help! I decided to just say thank you back and that I, too, had a nice time. I kind of knew there was no chemistry with him over the phone when we were planning to meet, but I wanted to keep an open mind. In hindsight, I should have just trusted my instincts. Now tonight I will be going out with my Pakistani. He, unlike my lunch date, was very funny on the phone, and I am looking forward to meeting him this evening. It's not a time limited lunch date so I hope like hell we get along pretty well.

Let the Games Begin

So I've been emailing a couple of guys on this online dating service that I have been talking about. Unfortunately (or fortunately) you are supposed to give your real first name, and I came across a profile of a guy that I liked but his name was one of those names that could easily be Turkish or Arabic. Because of that, I "closed" that match immediately because I'm not interested in meeting any Turkish men at this time. I already tried out that gig, remember? Anyway, this guy emailed me saying that he felt that we may have some things in common and that he was interested in getting to know me. So I un-closed the match and we began our communication. It turns out that he has a pretty good sense of humor and is also easy on the eyes. What was interesting was that he was hesitant in telling me his ethnic origin. I asked point blank in one of my emails, but he blew it off. So I waited for a couple of emails to go by and he told me that he was not Turkish. What a relief! ( I couldn't stand the thought of being stood up again by a guy who got distracted and had to do his laundry when he was supposed to be out with me.) So what is he? He said he was a Pakistani mutt, and a good looking one at that. We made plans to go out for drinks next week. He lives in NYC which is very convenient. Strangely, I am actually really looking forward to meeting him in person. The down side here is that he is a physician. Let me explain. I have the utmost respect for doctors but rarely are they down-to-earth and fun to be around (minus the docs who are related to me, of course). But I guess I will soon find out how it's gonna go. In the mean time, I am still getting to know a couple of other people but I am in the early stages of this "guided communication" we are forced to go through on this site before being able to freely email each other. We shall see!