Seems that there are many people who choose to blog anonymously. And I suppose each person has there own reason as to why they do so. Why do I prefer to blog anonymously? I do it because I can write more freely, especially when it comes to writing about deeply personal stuff. But the truth is that everyone is anonymous.
Why do any of us choose to do this? What's the difference between telling close friends and family members about the day-to-day thoughts that runs through our heads versus writing thoughts about a host of issues for others to read (who are complete strangers)? I suppose that there are many reasons for this as well. I won't bother to speculate here.
For me, there is something cathartic about writing in general. It's always nice to hear other peoples' comments about the thoughts that we jot down. I welcome them, always. (Yes, even if if I'm not in complete agreement with the comments.) It's interesting to hear what complete strangers have to say because, unlike family and friends, bloggers don't know us well enough to tell us what they think we want to hear? I may be wrong about this. But I don't think so.
We disclose and expose parts ourselves little by little with each entry. I chose to chronicle the events, thoughts and observations of my daily life. In some ways, you may know more about me than those who are closest to me.
It doesn't really matter how much each of us reveals about ourselves in the "about me" section nor does it matter what we choose to write about ourselves. In the end, we still remain anonymous to the rest of the world. We give a sense of who we are to the reader, but they will never really and truly know the real "us". You will never really know how I conduct myself on a daily basis. Nor will I ever know who you really are. But strangely, there is still some mysterious connection, nonetheless. I feel like I know you by what you have had to say.
I look forward not only to writing, but to reading what is of interest to you. It tells me a little bit about the person you are. What I can't figure out about you, I fill in the gaps with my imagination which more than likely has me drawing the wrong conclusion about who you are. I wonder if we ever came face-to-face if we'd measure up to being what we had imagined. But we all know that that day is not likely to ever come along. But still, I wonder.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Cheap People
There a few people that always stress me out whenever we go out. They stress me out because I just know that when the bill arrives at the end of the evening, they always "come up short" when paying for the bill. I don't know how to handle these people other than to either 1) not associate with them an longer or 2) to pick up the whole tab to avoid the stress of figuring out what their share is (which I am likely to cover anyway).
I have male and female friends where it's always comfortable going out with because we just split the bill straight down the middle, and it's fair and easy. But what about those people who practically create a scene by saying "let's see...I had the burger, you had the steak, I drank martinis, you had the beer...blah, blah, blah. It's so frustrating and embarrassing to me that I much of the time just say "Here's my AMEX card, you can pay the next time we go out". But do they pay the next time? No. It's the same situation that plays out again with me covering the tab. I have had to drop a few "friends" along the way because I was going broke! This has also happened more than once with some family members as well. I hate it because I know that I am being suckered every time we have plans to go out.
Dating is another issue. Who pays? I always offer to pay but I have to tell you, the guy who allows me to pay on that first date never sees me again. The same goes for the guy who decides to go dutch. I understand that the rule is that the one who makes the date, pays for the date (at least in the U.S). But there is still this weird part of me that feels I should be paying. It's always uncomfortable for me when the check arrives and my date doesn't reach for the bill immediately. I feel like he may be sending me that signal that means "cough up some cash, babe". Unfortunately, if I had a few drinks, I always reach for the bill no matter who I am with! Then I hate myself - and them - the following morning.
I just don't get cheap people. All I know is that I can't stand to be in their company!! After all of these experiences with cheap people, I still don't know the best way to handle them
I have male and female friends where it's always comfortable going out with because we just split the bill straight down the middle, and it's fair and easy. But what about those people who practically create a scene by saying "let's see...I had the burger, you had the steak, I drank martinis, you had the beer...blah, blah, blah. It's so frustrating and embarrassing to me that I much of the time just say "Here's my AMEX card, you can pay the next time we go out". But do they pay the next time? No. It's the same situation that plays out again with me covering the tab. I have had to drop a few "friends" along the way because I was going broke! This has also happened more than once with some family members as well. I hate it because I know that I am being suckered every time we have plans to go out.
Dating is another issue. Who pays? I always offer to pay but I have to tell you, the guy who allows me to pay on that first date never sees me again. The same goes for the guy who decides to go dutch. I understand that the rule is that the one who makes the date, pays for the date (at least in the U.S). But there is still this weird part of me that feels I should be paying. It's always uncomfortable for me when the check arrives and my date doesn't reach for the bill immediately. I feel like he may be sending me that signal that means "cough up some cash, babe". Unfortunately, if I had a few drinks, I always reach for the bill no matter who I am with! Then I hate myself - and them - the following morning.
I just don't get cheap people. All I know is that I can't stand to be in their company!! After all of these experiences with cheap people, I still don't know the best way to handle them
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
On Being Single
Memorial Day has come and passed. I managed to get away for the long weekend by flying off to Florida for a whole 48 hours. It was time, money and energy that was well spent, albeit a short trip. It was better than being couped up in my little apartment for 3 days where I would have spent too much of my time doing some thinking followed by some more senseless thinking.
One of the advantages of being single is that you do whatever you want, whenever you want. But the trade-off is that you have too much time on your hands. Well, at least that's true for me. And that is a bad thing.
I got to wondering if I was "getting away" for the weekend or if I was running away - from myself. I started entertaining the thought of being in a real relationship again and wearing my heart on m sleeve. It's a terrifying thought for me because I made some poor choices in men in my past. It's that fear that I know that I need to get over. I feel ready, however, to be in a relationship where there is give and take, and is healthy.
Life can't go on this way I, I have realized. It's so much nicer to share our experiences with the ones we love and care for. I am not the risk-taker I once was which is what is getting in the way of my being in a fulfilling romantic relationship. It's nothing more than fear which causes my paralysis resulting in my inability to take that leap and and jump in with both feet into a relationship.
Some people say that single people are just plain selfish. Maybe that is true to some degree. But what about those of us who would like to be a part of something greater than ourselves but are having difficulty in finding it? The difficulty for me goes back to my fear. I don't have complete confidence that I will invest my time and energy with the right person, so I remain alone. Again, that has been my choice so I can't bitch about it. Well, I suppose I can but what good would that do?
I would really like my next "get away" to be with someone that I care for and am compatible with. I know that I can't just keep running away from myself. It just doesn't work nor does my casual dating. I feel the emptiness.
One of the advantages of being single is that you do whatever you want, whenever you want. But the trade-off is that you have too much time on your hands. Well, at least that's true for me. And that is a bad thing.
I got to wondering if I was "getting away" for the weekend or if I was running away - from myself. I started entertaining the thought of being in a real relationship again and wearing my heart on m sleeve. It's a terrifying thought for me because I made some poor choices in men in my past. It's that fear that I know that I need to get over. I feel ready, however, to be in a relationship where there is give and take, and is healthy.
Life can't go on this way I, I have realized. It's so much nicer to share our experiences with the ones we love and care for. I am not the risk-taker I once was which is what is getting in the way of my being in a fulfilling romantic relationship. It's nothing more than fear which causes my paralysis resulting in my inability to take that leap and and jump in with both feet into a relationship.
Some people say that single people are just plain selfish. Maybe that is true to some degree. But what about those of us who would like to be a part of something greater than ourselves but are having difficulty in finding it? The difficulty for me goes back to my fear. I don't have complete confidence that I will invest my time and energy with the right person, so I remain alone. Again, that has been my choice so I can't bitch about it. Well, I suppose I can but what good would that do?
I would really like my next "get away" to be with someone that I care for and am compatible with. I know that I can't just keep running away from myself. It just doesn't work nor does my casual dating. I feel the emptiness.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Happiness: A Choice?
Winston Churchill once said, "You create your own universe as you go along". Indeed. We create our own destiny. It's not about luck nor is about kismet. We choose our thoughts which creates our feelings, which in turn creates the world as we each know it to be; either a good place or a bad one. There is so much power in the thoughts that we dwell on. And we should never underestimate them. Negative thoughts leave us feeling depressed. Conversely, positive thought have us feeling happy. We can't feel crappy if we're thinking happy thoughts. It's just not possible. Don't believe me? Well, then give it a go.
I recently stumbled upon a book called The Secret which addresses this very issue - the laws of attraction. Positive or pleasant thoughts attracts favorable events and "healthier" people into our lives. One negative thoughts can - and will - throw us into a depression, or a state of anger, jealousy, helplessness etc...AND brings undesirable people into our lives
The good news is that we can control our minds. But we must be aware of what is going on in our psyche. We can always choose to cancel out our negative thoughts we have with positive ones. My mind has always had a tendency to travel to very dark places. Once I visit my dark side, I find I'm on a path that takes me in a downward spiral. That's human nature. In the last 10 years or so, I have had a history of depression. One can say that it is genetic but in my case, it has always been situational. In other words, there were clear events that lead to my depression. What I have come to realize is that I was the cause of my own misery because I would re-play in my head all of the crap that was wrong or unfair in my life. I allowed myself to be consumed by my negative thinking.
It's been said by many that our thoughts are the primary cause of everything. "What we think about is what we bring about". It's also about how we choose to experience our experiences. In psychology, they call it "framing". It's how we decide to "frame" an experience that largely creates the affect and emotions that we attach to an event. I am guilty of having "framed" my experiences as being completely negative when, in fact, there has always been the proverbial "silver lining", even in the worst of times. I just chose to ignore them.
The choice is always ours: we can either look at the bright side or fall into the miserable trap of the dark side of anything and everything. According to The Secret and the laws of attraction, what we think about is what we get. If we dwell on our fears and worries, it's highly likely that we will attract even more fear and worries. Focus on the good stuff, and get more of the same. Sounds simple because it is. We have to shift our thinking and choose happiness over unhappiness. I'd like to add that I know that depressing things happen to each and all of us at some point. We cannot and should not dismiss the negativity that comes our way. But we must make a conscious effort to move forward and away from it after acknowledging it. My heart goes out to those who feel depressed because I know all too well what life looks like when we are in the throes of depression. I'm talking about clinical depression, not just feeling "blue"(but the same rules apply here as well).
None of this was easy for me in the beginning, and I am not going to pretend that is. It's mindset. We all live inside of our own minds. And it takes time to make that shift. Waking up in the morning should not be a dreadful experience for anyone. It does not have to be.
I recently stumbled upon a book called The Secret which addresses this very issue - the laws of attraction. Positive or pleasant thoughts attracts favorable events and "healthier" people into our lives. One negative thoughts can - and will - throw us into a depression, or a state of anger, jealousy, helplessness etc...AND brings undesirable people into our lives
The good news is that we can control our minds. But we must be aware of what is going on in our psyche. We can always choose to cancel out our negative thoughts we have with positive ones. My mind has always had a tendency to travel to very dark places. Once I visit my dark side, I find I'm on a path that takes me in a downward spiral. That's human nature. In the last 10 years or so, I have had a history of depression. One can say that it is genetic but in my case, it has always been situational. In other words, there were clear events that lead to my depression. What I have come to realize is that I was the cause of my own misery because I would re-play in my head all of the crap that was wrong or unfair in my life. I allowed myself to be consumed by my negative thinking.
It's been said by many that our thoughts are the primary cause of everything. "What we think about is what we bring about". It's also about how we choose to experience our experiences. In psychology, they call it "framing". It's how we decide to "frame" an experience that largely creates the affect and emotions that we attach to an event. I am guilty of having "framed" my experiences as being completely negative when, in fact, there has always been the proverbial "silver lining", even in the worst of times. I just chose to ignore them.
The choice is always ours: we can either look at the bright side or fall into the miserable trap of the dark side of anything and everything. According to The Secret and the laws of attraction, what we think about is what we get. If we dwell on our fears and worries, it's highly likely that we will attract even more fear and worries. Focus on the good stuff, and get more of the same. Sounds simple because it is. We have to shift our thinking and choose happiness over unhappiness. I'd like to add that I know that depressing things happen to each and all of us at some point. We cannot and should not dismiss the negativity that comes our way. But we must make a conscious effort to move forward and away from it after acknowledging it. My heart goes out to those who feel depressed because I know all too well what life looks like when we are in the throes of depression. I'm talking about clinical depression, not just feeling "blue"(but the same rules apply here as well).
None of this was easy for me in the beginning, and I am not going to pretend that is. It's mindset. We all live inside of our own minds. And it takes time to make that shift. Waking up in the morning should not be a dreadful experience for anyone. It does not have to be.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Turks Rank # 1 in ADULTERY
Straying power
May 24th 2007
From Economist.com
GATHERING reliable data on sex is notoriously tricky. Two years ago Durex, a company that makes contraceptives, surveyed more than 300,000 people in 41 countries, asking them about their sexual habits. The intriguing results suggest that Turks are the least faithful to their partners while Israelis are the least likely to stray. On average, around the world, one-in-five people has affairs, with Americans (deterred by the film Fatal Attraction?) and Britons slightly less likely to cheat and the French and the Nordics more likely to do so. Of course, the survey may just as well be a measure of varying levels of honesty in the different countries.
What an honor?? I really thought that the French had this one in the bag. Here's another reason for them to hate us.
Now does this mean I should start dating Israelis?
May 24th 2007
From Economist.com
GATHERING reliable data on sex is notoriously tricky. Two years ago Durex, a company that makes contraceptives, surveyed more than 300,000 people in 41 countries, asking them about their sexual habits. The intriguing results suggest that Turks are the least faithful to their partners while Israelis are the least likely to stray. On average, around the world, one-in-five people has affairs, with Americans (deterred by the film Fatal Attraction?) and Britons slightly less likely to cheat and the French and the Nordics more likely to do so. Of course, the survey may just as well be a measure of varying levels of honesty in the different countries.
What an honor?? I really thought that the French had this one in the bag. Here's another reason for them to hate us.
Now does this mean I should start dating Israelis?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
SEX
Do all men think make great lovers? Hell yes! And it seems to be that the men who talk about sex the most are usually the ones that are the greatest disappointment of all. Men seem to think that because they have a healthy libido, they are the ones who are most likely to please a woman. Wrong! Just because you may have a high sex drive doesn't necessarily mean that you're good in the sack.
During a recent horizontal bop, the guy I was with thought that talking dirty to me would somehow turn me on . I just wanted him to shut up and get to work. Then we have the men who think that sex is meant entirely for themselves, those selfish bastards! You know what I'm talking about here. This is the guy who thinks sex means taking off your clothes and immediately entering into the tunnel of love. Result: the sex lasts under 2 minutes with their female partner being less - a lot less - than satisfied. Then they actually have the nerve to ask, "did you enjoy it?". Enjoy what!?...I can't even remember it. It's over??
Here's some much needed advice, guys: learn more about the female anatomy. Sometimes the moaning and groaning we women are doing is our way of expressing boredom. To satisfy a woman means having to get to know her body. This means foreplay. Ever heard of it? It can actually work, if you would just try it, for a change. The anticpation is as great as the orgasm (assuming that we have one).
And I have to address kissing here as well. There is a fine line between erotic and disgusting. Don't, I repeat, DON'T ram your tongue down our throats. It does nothing for us. Start out with tender kissing. As a matter of fact, just stick to that for now, anway. We otherwise think you are trying to assault us! Just take it slowly. We woman are fully aware that you have a goal in mind that does not have anything to do with us.
I have had candid discussions about sex with many men, all of whom think they are awesome in bed. When I asked what made them think that they were skilled lovers, they would say ridiculous things like, "nobody has ever complained"! Well maybe that was because your tongue was inserted so far into her esophagus, she couldn't speak. Ever think of that? And honestly, how would that conversation go? "Ah honey, I don't know how to tell you this but..." Forget it, guys. She not going bruise your ego. (At least not until the break-up) And then men wonder why women fake orgasms. We fake it because you suck (in a bad way) and we just want to be done with it already. BTW, I have never ever faked one.
Now don't get me wrong, this by no means applies to all of you. Some of you are just absolutely amazing and know exactly what to do to rock a woman's world. But the rest of you may want to think about the women that you have had in the past and ask, "was she just stroking my male ego?". The answer is probably "yes". Sorry.
During a recent horizontal bop, the guy I was with thought that talking dirty to me would somehow turn me on . I just wanted him to shut up and get to work. Then we have the men who think that sex is meant entirely for themselves, those selfish bastards! You know what I'm talking about here. This is the guy who thinks sex means taking off your clothes and immediately entering into the tunnel of love. Result: the sex lasts under 2 minutes with their female partner being less - a lot less - than satisfied. Then they actually have the nerve to ask, "did you enjoy it?". Enjoy what!?...I can't even remember it. It's over??
Here's some much needed advice, guys: learn more about the female anatomy. Sometimes the moaning and groaning we women are doing is our way of expressing boredom. To satisfy a woman means having to get to know her body. This means foreplay. Ever heard of it? It can actually work, if you would just try it, for a change. The anticpation is as great as the orgasm (assuming that we have one).
And I have to address kissing here as well. There is a fine line between erotic and disgusting. Don't, I repeat, DON'T ram your tongue down our throats. It does nothing for us. Start out with tender kissing. As a matter of fact, just stick to that for now, anway. We otherwise think you are trying to assault us! Just take it slowly. We woman are fully aware that you have a goal in mind that does not have anything to do with us.
I have had candid discussions about sex with many men, all of whom think they are awesome in bed. When I asked what made them think that they were skilled lovers, they would say ridiculous things like, "nobody has ever complained"! Well maybe that was because your tongue was inserted so far into her esophagus, she couldn't speak. Ever think of that? And honestly, how would that conversation go? "Ah honey, I don't know how to tell you this but..." Forget it, guys. She not going bruise your ego. (At least not until the break-up) And then men wonder why women fake orgasms. We fake it because you suck (in a bad way) and we just want to be done with it already. BTW, I have never ever faked one.
Now don't get me wrong, this by no means applies to all of you. Some of you are just absolutely amazing and know exactly what to do to rock a woman's world. But the rest of you may want to think about the women that you have had in the past and ask, "was she just stroking my male ego?". The answer is probably "yes". Sorry.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Solitude vs. Isolation
Once upon a time there was more drama in my personal life than I could possibly handle. Within a short span of time I got divorced, moved, started a new job, loved ones died, etc... And all of this overlapped. I thought that I was never going to be able to come for some air. There was always something stressful going on. But these days have been relatively quiet and I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't turn back the clock for anything unless there were a rewind button where I would be able to change somethings. There's no going back, however.
Now I live my life pretty much in solitude and that is by choice. I have successfully managed to do some house cleaning and gotten rid of the people in my life who caused me undue stress. I enjoy living alone and coming home to a quiet and serene apartment. I love the tranquility. It helps me feel centered in some strange way.
But there is a fine line between solitude and isolation. Solitude is healthy but Isolation is dangerous. I'm finding out that we need some stress in our lives. And by that, I don't mean some kind of drama; just some sort of activity. Although single life has plenty of advantages, it has been said that single people are more likely to get sick, be sick for longer periods of time and yes, die earlier than their married counterparts. This has been attributed to the lack of a support system for those who are single. I tend to believe this to be true.
I'm at a difficult place because I don't care to socialize with others all that much yet I still have a need for some social interaction. However, that would mean that I have to form relationships and for some unknown reason, the thought of that tires me. Where does that leave me?
I literally live just a couple of minutes outside of NYC where there is so much going on, and I feel as though that with each passing day life is passing me by. I rationalize my reclusive lifestyle by saying that I really just need to be alone. Or am I alienating myself from this world that has thrown me one curve ball too many? Is it solitude that I seek? Or have merely isolated myself from this big, bad world? One of these days I'll get back in the game and take my chances and risk being hurt and disappointed by others. But it's not going to be today. Maybe tomorrow?? Who knows!? The isolation is now definitely getting to me. Am I really ready to jump back into life with both feet. Somethings gotta give here. My life can't simply be about my work. God, that's a depressing thought.
Now I live my life pretty much in solitude and that is by choice. I have successfully managed to do some house cleaning and gotten rid of the people in my life who caused me undue stress. I enjoy living alone and coming home to a quiet and serene apartment. I love the tranquility. It helps me feel centered in some strange way.
But there is a fine line between solitude and isolation. Solitude is healthy but Isolation is dangerous. I'm finding out that we need some stress in our lives. And by that, I don't mean some kind of drama; just some sort of activity. Although single life has plenty of advantages, it has been said that single people are more likely to get sick, be sick for longer periods of time and yes, die earlier than their married counterparts. This has been attributed to the lack of a support system for those who are single. I tend to believe this to be true.
I'm at a difficult place because I don't care to socialize with others all that much yet I still have a need for some social interaction. However, that would mean that I have to form relationships and for some unknown reason, the thought of that tires me. Where does that leave me?
I literally live just a couple of minutes outside of NYC where there is so much going on, and I feel as though that with each passing day life is passing me by. I rationalize my reclusive lifestyle by saying that I really just need to be alone. Or am I alienating myself from this world that has thrown me one curve ball too many? Is it solitude that I seek? Or have merely isolated myself from this big, bad world? One of these days I'll get back in the game and take my chances and risk being hurt and disappointed by others. But it's not going to be today. Maybe tomorrow?? Who knows!? The isolation is now definitely getting to me. Am I really ready to jump back into life with both feet. Somethings gotta give here. My life can't simply be about my work. God, that's a depressing thought.
Puppets
Sad to say, but I can hold onto a grudge forrrrrever. I don't know if that stems being Turkish or if it stems from the family I grew up in. Either way, I know that it's not a healthy way of living. Being pissed off takes a whole lot of energy that I just don't have.
I used to feel as though I was above judging others, but I am not. I do it as much as everyone else. We should just let people be who they are and take the good with the bad. Right? Easier said than done. During one of my meetings today with one of my bosses, who is a known liar, I kept thinking to myself, "this bitch just wants to take me down". But I made my best effort to act as if she were just another person who is muddling her way through life like anyone else. In other words, I tried to be compassionate rather than to fuel my anger towards her with more of the hatred that I really feel towards her. I wanted to start over with her and acted like the "team player" she wants for me to be. It was painful. Sucking up to others has never been my strong suit. But I got through it.
Now that brings me to the question : is it my family upbringing or is it a Turkish trait to never ever forget what the "bad guys" have done or are doing to you? In my family, if you are betrayed by anyone, that person is dead to you. They are a big ZERO in their eyes for life. I have family members who won't even acknowledge the person who has done them wrong even if they are sitting straight across from them. Forgiveness does not exist. Sad, but true.
When I look at Turkey as a whole and its politics, it very much reminds me of my own family. Turks never forget who has done what to them, and their memory is very, very long. I don't intend to get into politics here as I am merely referring to the diplomacy with which Turkey approaches other countries (ie. France and Austria, just to name a few) when the shit hits the fan.
I wonder if most Turks could have pulled off what I had to do at work today, and let bygones be bygones. That is, to just say, "it's all water under the bridge" and move on. I wanted to retaliate and screw my boss over the way that she had been doing with me. But at what cost? What would it have gotten me? And between you and me, the truth is that because I knew that I was very much on their radar, I really was doing a better job. I had to.
Now Turkey is taking some tough orders from some unfriendly folks who are in a more powerful position (talking about the E.U. here), and it's a bitter pill to swallow when you don't totally respect the ones giving the orders. But we still have to play nice, don't we? Not so easy for a country full of stubborn folks. And I am no different. At the end of the day, because Turkey knows it is on the radar of various watchdog groups and organizations, the country has been the beneficiary of the "beatings" and criticism it has been taking. The reforms that have been implemented have been a positive change, after all.
These grudges we hold in effect holds us hostage in that we can never grow and prosper if we see everyone as being out to get us. And the truth is, even our enemies help us to grow. Perhaps even more so. In these past few weeks where my 3 bosses had feeling like a worthless piece of crap, I have found myself to be a better employee because I had to show them what I am made of. I liken my small, little life to that of what Turkey is going through with the E.U. Change and conflict is healthy and is ultimately for our own good, even when it doesn't feel all that great in the beginning. But is there a point where we have the right to draw the line in the sand and say, "Enough"? Or do we just become puppets to those who are pulling our strings?
I used to feel as though I was above judging others, but I am not. I do it as much as everyone else. We should just let people be who they are and take the good with the bad. Right? Easier said than done. During one of my meetings today with one of my bosses, who is a known liar, I kept thinking to myself, "this bitch just wants to take me down". But I made my best effort to act as if she were just another person who is muddling her way through life like anyone else. In other words, I tried to be compassionate rather than to fuel my anger towards her with more of the hatred that I really feel towards her. I wanted to start over with her and acted like the "team player" she wants for me to be. It was painful. Sucking up to others has never been my strong suit. But I got through it.
Now that brings me to the question : is it my family upbringing or is it a Turkish trait to never ever forget what the "bad guys" have done or are doing to you? In my family, if you are betrayed by anyone, that person is dead to you. They are a big ZERO in their eyes for life. I have family members who won't even acknowledge the person who has done them wrong even if they are sitting straight across from them. Forgiveness does not exist. Sad, but true.
When I look at Turkey as a whole and its politics, it very much reminds me of my own family. Turks never forget who has done what to them, and their memory is very, very long. I don't intend to get into politics here as I am merely referring to the diplomacy with which Turkey approaches other countries (ie. France and Austria, just to name a few) when the shit hits the fan.
I wonder if most Turks could have pulled off what I had to do at work today, and let bygones be bygones. That is, to just say, "it's all water under the bridge" and move on. I wanted to retaliate and screw my boss over the way that she had been doing with me. But at what cost? What would it have gotten me? And between you and me, the truth is that because I knew that I was very much on their radar, I really was doing a better job. I had to.
Now Turkey is taking some tough orders from some unfriendly folks who are in a more powerful position (talking about the E.U. here), and it's a bitter pill to swallow when you don't totally respect the ones giving the orders. But we still have to play nice, don't we? Not so easy for a country full of stubborn folks. And I am no different. At the end of the day, because Turkey knows it is on the radar of various watchdog groups and organizations, the country has been the beneficiary of the "beatings" and criticism it has been taking. The reforms that have been implemented have been a positive change, after all.
These grudges we hold in effect holds us hostage in that we can never grow and prosper if we see everyone as being out to get us. And the truth is, even our enemies help us to grow. Perhaps even more so. In these past few weeks where my 3 bosses had feeling like a worthless piece of crap, I have found myself to be a better employee because I had to show them what I am made of. I liken my small, little life to that of what Turkey is going through with the E.U. Change and conflict is healthy and is ultimately for our own good, even when it doesn't feel all that great in the beginning. But is there a point where we have the right to draw the line in the sand and say, "Enough"? Or do we just become puppets to those who are pulling our strings?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Restless Heart?
I prayed that I would not come home to a voicemail message from that job I interviewed for asking me to join their organization. It's an odd wish, I know. I don't want to be in a position to choose between a job that I generally like in exchange for new bosses elsewhere (that I may or may not like). Am I having separation anxiety - again? Is it better to deal with devil (and I do mean devil) you know, as they say? Do I have issues with authority? Is it me!? Well, is it?? My neuroses is in full throttle, as usual.
I have grown an unhealthy attachment to this place where I work. My neuroses (yes, that's plural) is so compatible with the crazies that I work with. They vibe me and I vibe them. It's just like the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I seek approval from some of my co-workers for no good reason. There are others that I loathe and expect to clash with just as I would with my own family. There are others that I am deperately still trying to figure out. And then there are those whom I could not care any less about. And, of course, I get my daily dose of drama. Yup, it's a lot like my family. But in the end, isn't "family" supposed to stick together, regardless of how screwed up they may be?
I sincerely think that we re-create all of our childhood dramas and traumas in our adult life long after we have left the nest. The workplace is just one of them. We live out the same crap in our relationships with our friends, lovers, neighbors...you name it, over and over again. So if I choose to move onto a new position elsewhere, things are likely to remain the same since I am the common denominator in all of my life experiences. (By the way, to you who is reading this, the same applies to you.) Being at this crossroad, I have had to take a long, hard and difficult look at myself and ask "how much of what bothers me is because of me?. It's so easy to just cut and run when the going gets tough. But is the grass really any greener somewhere else??
I have grown an unhealthy attachment to this place where I work. My neuroses (yes, that's plural) is so compatible with the crazies that I work with. They vibe me and I vibe them. It's just like the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I seek approval from some of my co-workers for no good reason. There are others that I loathe and expect to clash with just as I would with my own family. There are others that I am deperately still trying to figure out. And then there are those whom I could not care any less about. And, of course, I get my daily dose of drama. Yup, it's a lot like my family. But in the end, isn't "family" supposed to stick together, regardless of how screwed up they may be?
I sincerely think that we re-create all of our childhood dramas and traumas in our adult life long after we have left the nest. The workplace is just one of them. We live out the same crap in our relationships with our friends, lovers, neighbors...you name it, over and over again. So if I choose to move onto a new position elsewhere, things are likely to remain the same since I am the common denominator in all of my life experiences. (By the way, to you who is reading this, the same applies to you.) Being at this crossroad, I have had to take a long, hard and difficult look at myself and ask "how much of what bothers me is because of me?. It's so easy to just cut and run when the going gets tough. But is the grass really any greener somewhere else??
Sunday, May 20, 2007
My 3 Bosses: The Axis of Evil
Recently we had a departmental meeting where one of my boss's slammed the work that was being handled by my team. She all but announced that it was I who almost dropped the ball on an assignment we were given. I was stunned that her criticism was so darn public. From that point forward they began to scrutinize everything I was responsible for. I felt as though I was being harassed without good cause. It wasn't fair, but they would spin things in such a way that had me looking as though I really was incompetent. To comfort me, some co-workers said that this was their modus operandi: to select someone in the department and give them hell for a period of time until they have had their fill, at which time they would move onto their next victim. What's the deal with people like this?? So much for good management skills!! All I know is that they have left me feeling deflated and demoralized.
In a face-to-face meeting with one of them, I said that the environment I working in was rather unjustly punitive and militant. I was surprised to hear my boss say " well maybe you are not a good fit for this organization". I said, "you may be right".
The truth is that I enjoy working with the people that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. They have my back and we have great chemistry. Should I let these nitwits run me out of this organization when I like almost everyone and everything else about the environment? But it's become too stressful to look over my shoulder everyday wondering what they may use against me when the work itself is challenging enough.
To feel better about myself, I sent out a couple of resumes and had an interview this week. I was scheduled to interview with 3 different individuals for this new organizations. The first 2 people made me feel comfortable and it went really well. The final interview was a different story. This person was one of the directors and had the final say about my fate. She grilled me with her expressionless face. At no time did I feel that we had connected until I was on my out the door and she asked, "do you speak any other languages?" I said, "yes, I understand Turkish and I speak it a little". There was a very long and awkward pause and she actually lit up and said, "I've been to Turkey. What a beautiful country!" Ah, what a relief!! We had finally connected.
I'm really torn out leaving my current job, but the powers-that-be are making it unbearable for me. Should I stay or should I go now?
In a face-to-face meeting with one of them, I said that the environment I working in was rather unjustly punitive and militant. I was surprised to hear my boss say " well maybe you are not a good fit for this organization". I said, "you may be right".
The truth is that I enjoy working with the people that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. They have my back and we have great chemistry. Should I let these nitwits run me out of this organization when I like almost everyone and everything else about the environment? But it's become too stressful to look over my shoulder everyday wondering what they may use against me when the work itself is challenging enough.
To feel better about myself, I sent out a couple of resumes and had an interview this week. I was scheduled to interview with 3 different individuals for this new organizations. The first 2 people made me feel comfortable and it went really well. The final interview was a different story. This person was one of the directors and had the final say about my fate. She grilled me with her expressionless face. At no time did I feel that we had connected until I was on my out the door and she asked, "do you speak any other languages?" I said, "yes, I understand Turkish and I speak it a little". There was a very long and awkward pause and she actually lit up and said, "I've been to Turkey. What a beautiful country!" Ah, what a relief!! We had finally connected.
I'm really torn out leaving my current job, but the powers-that-be are making it unbearable for me. Should I stay or should I go now?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Oh Crap, Not Again!
Here we go again...Some guy responded to my Turkish Personals profile, so I naturally read his profile before responding . Here's what he said: He's 39 (there's that number again!), 2nd generation Turk in the U.S. and, AND, said he was sincere. The rest of his profile seemed like a pretty good match with mine. Or so I had thought. Just to be clear here - and this is important - I expressly stated on my profile that I am of Turkish origin looking to meet a Turkish-American like myself. Anyway, he seemed like a pretty cool guy despite the fact that he supports George Bush, which is usually a deal breaker for me. So I gave him my number and when he called, here's what I learned about him...
The Truth? 1) He is 44 years old, not 39 as he indicated 2) He is Armenian, not the 2nd generation Turk that he said he is and 3) has been living with his parents his entire life. Wow! What a catch! I'd be fool to let this one go!! Now don't get me wrong, he was polite as can be and seemingly nice, but he was also a big, fat liar. So much for "sincere".
Now I can get over the age thing, but who the heck lies about their ethnicity for God's sake? Is this odd or is it just me? In case you were wondering, I did not set up a meeting with him, and I am officially done with online dating. Back to dating in the "real" world.
The Truth? 1) He is 44 years old, not 39 as he indicated 2) He is Armenian, not the 2nd generation Turk that he said he is and 3) has been living with his parents his entire life. Wow! What a catch! I'd be fool to let this one go!! Now don't get me wrong, he was polite as can be and seemingly nice, but he was also a big, fat liar. So much for "sincere".
Now I can get over the age thing, but who the heck lies about their ethnicity for God's sake? Is this odd or is it just me? In case you were wondering, I did not set up a meeting with him, and I am officially done with online dating. Back to dating in the "real" world.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Dating
How hard can it possibly be to find someone that you are compatible with? Answer: hard, really hard. I've been doing the online dating thing and have yet to find an honest guy. One guy posted a picture of himself taken about 10 years ago. He lived out-of-state and flew out to meet me. He stayed for a 3 day weekend and wore the same clothes for all 3 days! How gross! He looked nothing like the picture that he posted of himself. He was, well, much older. Another guy said on his profile that he was never married, had no kids, and was 39. He turned out to be divorced with one child, in his 40's, AND is in the U.S. illegally. Should that make me a tad suspicious? And the most frightening profiles are the ones where the guy doesn't post a picture. Are they that unattractive, shy or perhaps married?
Despite my disappoinments, I continue to keep my profile up with the hopes that, at the very least, that I'll meet someone who is honest and has more than one outfit in his wardrobe! My thinking is that I've have just as much a chance as meeting jerks online as I do in real life. I'll keep you all posted regarding my next date.
I have friend who suggested that I take my profile down and just give up on the this bullshit. But the whole concept of online dating is fascinating to me in a twisted sort of way. It sounds so easy: Place my order online of what I'm looking for, and find him on my computer from the comfort of my own home. But it hasn't been that easy.
The good news is that there is always a story to tell after the date even it's not the story I was hoping to tell. Wish me luck, I clearly need it.
Despite my disappoinments, I continue to keep my profile up with the hopes that, at the very least, that I'll meet someone who is honest and has more than one outfit in his wardrobe! My thinking is that I've have just as much a chance as meeting jerks online as I do in real life. I'll keep you all posted regarding my next date.
I have friend who suggested that I take my profile down and just give up on the this bullshit. But the whole concept of online dating is fascinating to me in a twisted sort of way. It sounds so easy: Place my order online of what I'm looking for, and find him on my computer from the comfort of my own home. But it hasn't been that easy.
The good news is that there is always a story to tell after the date even it's not the story I was hoping to tell. Wish me luck, I clearly need it.
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