Puppets

Sad to say, but I can hold onto a grudge forrrrrever. I don't know if that stems being Turkish or if it stems from the family I grew up in. Either way, I know that it's not a healthy way of living. Being pissed off takes a whole lot of energy that I just don't have.

I used to feel as though I was above judging others, but I am not. I do it as much as everyone else. We should just let people be who they are and take the good with the bad. Right? Easier said than done. During one of my meetings today with one of my bosses, who is a known liar, I kept thinking to myself, "this bitch just wants to take me down". But I made my best effort to act as if she were just another person who is muddling her way through life like anyone else. In other words, I tried to be compassionate rather than to fuel my anger towards her with more of the hatred that I really feel towards her. I wanted to start over with her and acted like the "team player" she wants for me to be. It was painful. Sucking up to others has never been my strong suit. But I got through it.

Now that brings me to the question : is it my family upbringing or is it a Turkish trait to never ever forget what the "bad guys" have done or are doing to you? In my family, if you are betrayed by anyone, that person is dead to you. They are a big ZERO in their eyes for life. I have family members who won't even acknowledge the person who has done them wrong even if they are sitting straight across from them. Forgiveness does not exist. Sad, but true.

When I look at Turkey as a whole and its politics, it very much reminds me of my own family. Turks never forget who has done what to them, and their memory is very, very long. I don't intend to get into politics here as I am merely referring to the diplomacy with which Turkey approaches other countries (ie. France and Austria, just to name a few) when the shit hits the fan.

I wonder if most Turks could have pulled off what I had to do at work today, and let bygones be bygones. That is, to just say, "it's all water under the bridge" and move on. I wanted to retaliate and screw my boss over the way that she had been doing with me. But at what cost? What would it have gotten me? And between you and me, the truth is that because I knew that I was very much on their radar, I really was doing a better job. I had to.

Now Turkey is taking some tough orders from some unfriendly folks who are in a more powerful position (talking about the E.U. here), and it's a bitter pill to swallow when you don't totally respect the ones giving the orders. But we still have to play nice, don't we? Not so easy for a country full of stubborn folks. And I am no different. At the end of the day, because Turkey knows it is on the radar of various watchdog groups and organizations, the country has been the beneficiary of the "beatings" and criticism it has been taking. The reforms that have been implemented have been a positive change, after all.

These grudges we hold in effect holds us hostage in that we can never grow and prosper if we see everyone as being out to get us. And the truth is, even our enemies help us to grow. Perhaps even more so. In these past few weeks where my 3 bosses had feeling like a worthless piece of crap, I have found myself to be a better employee because I had to show them what I am made of. I liken my small, little life to that of what Turkey is going through with the E.U. Change and conflict is healthy and is ultimately for our own good, even when it doesn't feel all that great in the beginning. But is there a point where we have the right to draw the line in the sand and say, "Enough"? Or do we just become puppets to those who are pulling our strings?