My Silence Speaks Volumes

I made the decision not to respond to Bulent's email. I know that if I call him or write him, I am likely to tell him off. His email, though seemingly from "the heart", is meaningless to me. The damage was done and I saw enough of his true character to turn me off. What more do I really need to witness? And, based on what he wrote, he already knows that he is an asshole. The apology is worthless. I mentioned in a previous post that I am generally an unforgiving individual. I can hold a grudge forever. This doesn't mean that I won't be polite with people who piss me off. It just means that in the back of mind what keeps playing is what the person has said or done to me that has me disliking them. That reminder never leaves me. I am fully aware that this may not be the healthiest way of living. But it works for me. It's all about self-preservation. I generally try to avoid confrontation. But when put in that position, and once I open my mouth, I can give a person the verbal lashing of a lifetime. And I know this about myself. I am a pressure cooker. Therefore, when I am pissed (I mean really pissed) I actually say nothing at all. I just disconnect and pull the plug immediately. Most people learn this about me over time. Telling people off doesn't make me feel any better. And I find that it is a waste of time. I simply choose to ignore them and let them stew in their own crap. It's just so much more satisfying.

Bulent's Email to Me

I hope all is well with you. I was planning to call you earlier this evening but I could only make it back home from work around 9:35 PM and I did not want to disturb you this late. I do not know if it is going to change anything but I want to appologize for being impolite and late to call last weekend. I know that it might not be an excuse but I really am very busy at work these past few months due to a deadline on July 11th. I left you two voice messages earlier this week. Perhaps I should have expressed myself in a more polite manner. When I asked you to call me back that was not an order. It was a wish. You certainly have no obligation to do so. I did not express it but I felt close to you and made the mistake of addressing you as if we knew each other for a longer time. Thank you for meeting with me last week. Your pictures are good but I think you look prettier in person. We do have many things in common. I was hoping we could give each other more chances to get to know each other a little better. As I said I am somewhat sceptial about meeting people online and corresponding via e-mails. So I thought in our case -since we live within a walking distance- we could minimize that part and take a more real and direct approach. I hope I am mistaken but unfortunately currently this too looks likely to be one of those "easy come easy go" encounters. I could write much more to you with the intention of trying to convince you to write back and/or contact me somehow. However we are both experienced enough to know that it is hard to change things once the feeling is lost. I can talk a lot under certain settings and do give people the credit when I first meet them that they are good people. But I also know that most people are selfish and compromise honesty for personal gain. And that the probabilitiy of finding a compatible "infidel" such as myself for this sort of friendship is quite slim in a world of believers. As I mentioned I did gave up TP a few years ago. Now it's like deja vu all over again. Thanks to your flirt I became a member and now I have two more weeks of membership left. I would like to invite you for a dinner this Friday evening or another day of your choice. I can not read my personal e-mail from work but you have my cell number. Assuming this is what you want -unless I hear from you - I will no longer disturb you again at you home phone. I hope I will hear again from you. But there's also a good probability that you have other things going on for you. If that happens to be your preference I hope it turns out to be the right choice for you. In any case may happiness be with you. Bulent This is the email that Bulent sent me to "explain" himself. Remember, in his vm message he said he was in Manhattan and then had laundry to do which is why he did not call me until very late in the day. What would you do if you were me? Quite frankly, I have no desire to make room in my life for any B.S.

A Change of Venue

Okay, so I have somewhat given up hope that I'll meet Mr. Right on Turkish Personals. I still have my profile up even though it appears that meeting a Turkish-AMERICAN isn't going to be as easy as I thought. We live in America. So, I thought "how hard could it possibly be?". Well, folks, it's hard. Very hard. More than half of those who respond do so in Turkish. I get a headache from just reading their profile since I read Turkish at about the 3rd grade level. So I have decided that ethnicity may not be that important to me after all. I am now on an American online dating service. I have spent just about my entire adult life dating or being in relationships with Americans. And I just "get" them better than I do Turkish men. Maybe I am more American than I am Turkish. Hell, I don't know. At least I understand what they are writing on their profiles. What's more, there is a far larger pool to select from to find someone with whom I would be compatible. Okay, so they don't know what manti is. Should that really matter?

May I Vent?

Oh, what the hell! It is my blog, after all. Bulent has turned out to be a weirdo. Let us go over the time line and events, shall we? Okay, I give the guy my number and his FIRST phone call to me was at 3 p.m on a Tuesday. Now why would make your first phone call to me at a time when you know I'm going to be at work? I thought that to be odd. Nevertheless, when I came home and retrieved his message, I returned the call and we had our first conversation. It went okay. It was left with "I'll call you this weekend and we can make some plans". As a side note, he was aware that I was going to a concert on Saturday night. Wednesday - the very next day - he calls me and says " I'm in your area and was wondering if you want to get together for drinks". He made this call at 8 p.m. and I said ahead of time that I get up to go to work at 5:30 a.m, so it won't be a late night. I meet him for the first time and have a very Mediocre evening. The evening ends with him saying that we should get together again. No concrete plans are made. Whatever. I don't hear from again so on Saturday,before leaving to go to the concert, I call him because I realized that I looked to eager for the evening to end on Wednesday as I kept pushing for the check to arrive. I thought by calling him, he would at least know that I was not DISinterested in him. He answers the phone and says " Oh, I was going to call you". (Yeah, right.) We have a brief conversation and he asks me if I want to get together the next day. He says, "great, I'll call you tomorrow and we will make plans". He says "have a great time at the concert and we will talk tomorrow", and the conversation ends. So Sunday rolls around and truth be told, I was nursing a hangover all day. The thought of taking a shower, getting dressed and going out with him was less than appealing to me given my condition. But I am one to keep my word and was still up for seeing him. Does he call? Yes, AT 8:30 p.m! That's right, the whole day passes by when he decides to ring me up. Ya think he could have called a wee bit earlier? He leaves me a vm message saying "Sorry, I know it's late but I went into Manhattan today and had to do some laundry" Laundry?? WTF? And again says, "I'm in your area if you are up for grabbing a beer" Needless to say, I did not return his call. I'm thinking it's pretty much over with this guy. He doesn't keep his word and refuses to make plans in advance. So tonight he called me and left another message (thank God for caller ID) saying yet again "I'm in your area and if you want have drinks, call me". Is he serious or what!? It's as though he expects me to just be home and be ready to go out with him whenever HE is up to it. Well, that ship has sailed, as they say. I refuse to ever see his sorry Turkish ass again. Thanks for listening.

When Harry Met Sally

When I was out last night with my friend of 20 years (Rob), I told him that Bulent from Turkish Personals said that he felt that it was absolutely impossible for a man and a woman to just be friends. Rob and I both disagree. Rob and I have had a 20 year friendship and at no time were we romantically involved. Rob went on to list all of the female friends that he has and said that there was never any sexual tension with any of them. My situation was a bit different. My male friends had at some point either sent signals showing interest in being more than just friends. And some of my male friends flat out said that wished to take the friendship to the "next level". However, my declining their advances did not end the friendship. I don't know what that says about the gender differences. What ultimately has ended some friendships with men over the years was their new significant others' inability to accept me as their boyfriends female friend. It wasn't my male friend that ended the friendship, it was always their new girlfriend - or worse - their new wife. I believe that men and women can just be friends so long as both are single. Once either gets romantically involved, it becomes the kiss of death for their friendship. I have to admit, even though I myself have male friends in my life, it would bother me to know that the guy I was romantically involved with had close friendship with a woman. I don't know why. But I just know that it would. The only thing that could possibly change that for me is if she turned out be a just as close a friend to me as well. Again, I'm just guessing here.

Racism

It's an ugly thing born out of ignorance. I have been on the receiving end of it by some Greeks and Armenians right here in good old America. Do I hate all Armenians or Greeks because there were a few bad apples in the bunch? No. I like who I like because of their character, not because of their ethnic origin. If you are good to me, chances are I will like you. But that does not seem to be the case for some. So I am going to share this story that makes me sick to my stomach and you can tell me your thoughts. A few years back, I was hired to work for an organization where I was to share an office with an Armenian. When we first met, I had no idea that she was Armenian but, as it would turn out, she knew ahead of time the new hire (me) was a Turk. She knew this because she was told my name before I started working there. (I have a very, very Turkish name). Apparently, when she found out that she was going to be sharing an office with a Turk, she became livid, to say the least. She, like the Armenian propaganda machine, immediately got to work in telling everyone that we would be working with that Turks committed a genocide against Armenians. She basically said that we Turks were barbaric, not to be trusted, were vicious, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, there were some people at the job that did not receive me all that warmly, initially. I was at a loss - and at a disadvantage. It was not until I learned that she was Armenian that it all began to make sense. Some of my co-workers noticed that she was rather cold towards me and when I asked them what her problem was, one person remarked, "well, it might have something to do with your ancestors killing off her ancestors". I quizzically scratched my head and said "what are you talking about?". Another co-worker fessed up and said that when she learned that the new hire was a Turk, she began telling everyone at work about all of the terrible atrocities that were committed by the Turks against Armenians (and by God, she was pissed). It disgusted her that she would have to be around a Turk. Needless to say, I had to do a whole lot of damage control not only to defend Turks, but to defend myself as well. I went into the history - the real history - between Turks and Armenians. It pissed me off that I was put into that position at the workplace. My focus at my new job should have been the work. But because of this racist pig that I worked with, I had to explain crap to my co-workers that had nothing to do with work. And all I really cared about was the work. But nooo... Here's the kicker: She was fresh out of graduate school whereas I was coming into this position with substantial experience. Where she could not win was that I was the better employee and she knew it. She actually started coming to me with questions about work because she didn't know squat about handling some situations that were second nature to me. And yes, I did help her when she asked for it. And, over time. I gained the respect of those whom she desperately tried to turn against me. She eventually came around herself. About one year later we were having lunch in our office and she stunned me when she blurted out, " ya know, I didn't think that I could ever like because you are a Turk". "Just knowing that they hired you (a Turk) made me go crazy". And I can never forget those racist words.

Bulent

Well, folks, I don't know what to say. I went out with Bulent tonight who really did turn out to be a really nice guy. I came home from work, took my make up off and was preparing to have a nice time just watching the tube and relaxing. At about 8 p.m., Bulent called me by surprise and said he was in my area and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him for drinks. Being the lazy piece of crap that I am, I first said no. Then I thought, "oh, what the hell", and I slapped on some make up, got dressed and met him. He turned out to be a nice person but the conversation didn't exactly flow in my opinion nor was I attracted to him all that much - which is not to say that he wasn't attractive. But I just wasn't feeling it, if ya know what I mean. We talked about religion (he is an atheist and I'm spiritual/agnostic). We didn't quite agree with each other about the subject matter. I had to bring up the age issue as well. On his profile he said that his ideal match would be between 25 to 35. He is 43. Come on! How many woman out there at the age of 20-something are even interested in a guy in his 40's? I said, "Bulent, I am 6 years older than your cut-off age. How do you feel being with me knowing that I'm in my 40s?" He answered that question diplomatically by not really answering it at all. Men are just odd creatures that I don't quite seem to understand. But here's the part where we agreed on an issue that made me think that maybe this guy is for me: He doesn't believe in getting married and that marriage is what kills most relationships. I don't know if it was that statement or the Coronas I was drinking that made him suddenly more attractive to me. Like me, he likes being in an exclusive relationship that need not necessarily lead to marriage. My God! Have I met the man of my dreams after all? I get up at 5:30 in morning and told him that it was getting late and that I really needed to start heading home. He said, "do you really feel like wrapping things up?". I had to because I need sleep to function at work. But truthfully, I did not feel as though we had much chemistry. I think that I will see him again since he and I did get along okay. But "okay" was all that it was. Anyway, I'm glad that we hung out together for a short while and sucked down some cold brews. He kissed me on the cheek and off I went. It was a pleasant evening minus any fireworks. I loved that he was so honest in his answering my questions (except the age thing). I never got the impression that he was trying hard to impress me (which impresses me). So we shall see if the next "date" is less awkward for me. God damn this dating crap is so complicated!!

Another Try

Okay. So I had a nice conversation tonight with another guy I met from Turkish Personals. He lives nearby, so I'm likely to have a drink or two with him sometime this week. Actually I am drinking a Dos Equis as I write this so forgive me for any typos. I am slightly buzzed and I feel really relaxed right now. For the sake of anonymity I won't mention his name (Bulent). We had the usual chit chat that you would have during that first phone conversation like where are you from, where do work, have you ever been convicted of a crime/felony, etc... He seemed to be a very nice person. I strangely felt uncomfortable when he brought up the Armenian issue, even though we are on the same team regarding this issue. He was very passionate about it and I really wasn't. The topic just drains the crap out of me because I hear enough about the issue from Armenians and they often lead to my feeling exasperated. This part of the conversation went on longer than I hoped. So I changed the subject to music which he really got into. Whew! As it turns out, he is a drummer. The downside was that he doesn't have an appreciation for Springteen, whom I love. I still believe that I can convert him to being a die hard fan. We talked about our (bad) experiences on Turkish personals and how people lie on their profiles. This guy seemed to be genuine and sincere. The best part is that he lives a mile away from so we can get together and see if there is any chemistry. Anyway, if things don't work out, I have Hans waiting in the wings. Either way, I win. Thanks, Hans

Reach Up and Touch the Sky

That's what you want to do when you attend a Southside Johnny concert. It also happens to be the name of one of his songs. We were lucky enough to get tickets to one of his shows next weekend and I can't wait. I can't wait to hear his soulful voice and that amazing horns section of his band. They will be playing out at BB Kings which is a fairly small venue.

I fell in love with this band back in the early 80's when he was playing pretty often down the Jersey shore at the Stone Pone and the Fast Lane. He has a gift when it comes to engaging his audience and having you feel like you are part of the band.

It's not uncommon for him to have other well known artists appear at his gigs. In fact, Springsteen has shown up in the past. So has Miami Steve Van Zandt (you may know him from the Sopranos). Ronnie Spector has also shown up as has Nils Lofgren.

I was talking to friend of mine who is my age and we discussing how nights out like this one makes us feel younger. I've spent most of my life going to see live bands. There really is something about it that takes you back in time, if even for a short while. So next weekend, I will be lost in his music. If only that feeling could last.

Simple Minds

I'm sure that most you have seen bumper stickers or T-shirts that read "mean people suck". They are sold just about everywhere in the Tri-State area which is where I live. Mean people really do suck; they have a chip on their shoulder and they just wait for the opportunity to try and ruin someones day or at least give it their best shot.

Each one us is responsible for our own happiness. It's not up to the rest of the world to accommodate these jerks. If we take issue with something or someone, we may or may not take it up with the person with whom we disagree, then we move on. That's what a relatively normal person would do. But not these nut jobs. They want to beat a dead horse until their never ending hostility is heard by all. They continue on relentlessly and have no interest in hearing what others have to say or (God forbid) feel. They are deranged and personality disordered. Therefore, it is pointless in trying to engage them in an adult conversation. And why? Because it all about them. Their idea of being adult-like is to take cheap shots at the person they are pissed at. What's particularly striking about these individuals is that they personalize everything that has absolutely nothing to do with them. They need to figure out a way to find their own happiness without trying to insult or belittle others. But they of know of no other way to conduct themselves. In a word, they are immature.

Check out the comments left for me by "anonymous" on my previous post. She is the perfect asshole.

Peter Pan Syndrome

Okay, so I am 41 years old and I have birthday that is fast-approaching. The thought of it makes me ill. You see, I still think of myself as being 25. I don't like this getting older business. I suffer from what I call Peter Pan Syndrome or PPS.

I find that there are many single people like me who still have childish dreams and child-like ways. We act like adults in that we go to work, pay our bills and act fairly responsibly. But we don't wish to get married and settle down. We want to live selfishly. That is something we can't do if we are "tied down". Yes, we are in search of finding a significant other to hang out with. But it pretty much ends there. We don't wish to be married because that would be a real buzz kill.

We like having time on our hands to be self-indulgent and hedonistic. Married people view us as being selfish - and we are. And what is so wrong with that? We don't envy our married friends; we tolerate them and their incredibly dull lives. I think that married people assume that we single people are always looking to get married. Trust me, we are not. I would go so far as to say that we are happier than they are. We are tired of listening to you married folks complaining about your spouse's ways. Honestly, we don't really care. As they say, you made your bed, now lie in it! Stop bringing us down.

We Are Not Perfect. Admit it!!

You know you're at least a tad bit nuts. So just admit it. I know you are somewhat crazy and so do you. I've have no issues with having issues. I have boatloads. I was born with them and have learned to even embrace some them over the years. Being neurotic is normal; pretending to be sane and stable is NOT normal. Or is it? I just don't know. I am nuts. Remember?

I love being around people who can be self-deprecating and not fearful of others seeing their vulnerabilities. We ALL have weaknesses. It fascinates me that some people have such a difficult time in saying things like "I don't know" or "I don't understand". Why is it that we can't simply let others know or see that there are things we just plain suck at. What's the worst thing that can happen? Why are we so afraid to allow ourselves to be seen in an unfavorable light? Why are some people so damn insecure? And what is wrong with feeling insecure?

I have some co-workers who will never say, "Oops! I screwed up". And if my saying that makes others around me feel "superior" in some weird and twisted way, then fine. I'll be the one to take the hit and move on. It just fascinates me that some folks have such a hard time with fessing up their imperfections. I'm drawn to those that can easily speak of their imperfections and flaws. These are the people that I find to be more sane and stable AND more interesting. Plus, I trust them more because they are not trying to hide anything. They are an open book. And I like that. They are also hard to come by.

Can we stop censoring ourselves so much. We make mistakes. We say and do stupid things. We all screw up sometime. We are human. And to hell with those who sit on their high horse and judge us. Why is it that we are we all so darn afraid of failing? What's the worst thing that will happen if someone sees that we are not perfect? Why is it so hard to say "I screwed up". Why are we supposed to walk around and act like we are flawless?

The Tangled Webs We Weave

I can't even believe that this is happening. From the beginning...I thought that I put my Turkish Personals.com profile in "hide" mode only to discover an email from someone responding to my profile which, as it turns out, is still (was) showing. I read the guys profile and thought it was written well enough for me to respond. We emailed each other through the website and it wasn't long before I gave him my yahoo email address with my real name. When I got his email, I nearly passed out because I recognized his unusual Turkish last name. Panicked, I quickly sent him an email with my telephone number and simply said "you need to call me as you as you get this email". And he did.

He was friendly and said that he enjoyed reading my profile and the emailing bit that we did. To be certain that I truly knew who he was, I asked a couple of questions and I got my dreaded answer. He was the brother of my ex-fiance/husband (I'll get to the husband part)! It actually went pretty well over the phone after he got over the initial shock. Then it was like talking to an old friend. He asked how my family was doing, I asked how his family was doing, and it was all nice and innocent - I thought.

After we made the discovery that we already knew each other, I thought that it would pretty much end there. Or maybe we'd have coffee someday down the pike. I was stunned when he asked me out on a date. I know the difference between setting up a casual meeting and setting up a real date. This was definitely a date that he was interested in setting up. I said that it would be too awkward to have a date given our history. He didn't seem to give a crap that his brother and I were not only briefly engaged, we even had a religious ceremony by an Imam to shut everyone in his family up since his brother had moved in with me. So I guess you could even say that I am still his brother's wife until he says "I divorce you" 3 times. At least, I think that's how it goes.

Anyway, I was not all that surprised that this pig wanted to hook up with me because what he didn't know was that I knew about his cheating on his now ex-wife. And so much for family loyalty! I figured that out of respect for his brother he'd say, "hey, nice talking to you and have a good life. Bye". But no, not an issue for him, the slime.

All of this reminded about 2 things: 1) how ridiculous my love life is AND 2) I had forgotten that I was already "married".

Manhattan

I have reached a point where I can no longer continue being anti-social. During the winter months, my excuse for not being around people had been the miserable weather. Now that the weather has been sunny and warm, I have no excuse to turn my back to the world. Actually, I'm starting to go stir crazy from being in my own company so damn much. I need to get out and start enjoying everything that's around me. Otherwise, I fear that I will start smoking again and perhaps have my mind travel to places that aren't so pretty.

I called a friend of mine who is the male version of myself. We think a lot alike and it's just very comfortable being in his company. We decided that we would go to BB Kings Bar and Grill in 2 weeks to see a great bar band called Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes. Just having made these plans to go and see this band had me feeling better. Plus, I love Manhattan.

I have made the decision to get back out there and start enjoying life. There is so much going on in NYC that I feel guilty for not taking advantage of some of the many things to do. I guess when the greatest city on earth is right there in your backyard, you keep thinking that you'll always have the opportunity to jump in and enjoy it whenever you feel like it.

I love NYC for many reasons. I won't even bother to try and sell you on it because you have to live in this area to really get the flavor of this fascinating city. I love the the shot of adrenalin I get as soon as my feet hit the ground in NYC. I feel more alive and a part of the world when I'm in Manhattan. Make no mistake about it, it has its downside. But I can't imagine a better place in the world to be, especially with my neurotic personality type.

What Vanity!

The last cigarette I had was Tuesday night at 7 p.m. I remember that last cigarette well and I'm missing having one right now. I'm still experiencing the withdrawl symtoms which has me feeling great compassion for every drug addict trying to "kick their habit".

It should come as no surprise that the first cigarette I had was when I went to Turkey at the age of 19, Everybody - and I do mean eveybody - was smoking. I could not go anywhere in Turkey where at least more than half the people had a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. It became a situation where I thought if you can't beat 'em, join them. I also thought it would be a fine way to stay thin in that smoking would supress my appetite (remember, I was only 19). So my real reason for picking up the habit was out of vanity. It was not long before I became a full-time smoker.

Now 20 years later I'm trying to quit smoking for the same reason I started - vanity. I don't want to age prematurely and all of you already know that I am obssessed with staying and looking young. It's well documented that smoking causes wrinkles and I am determined to fight the aging process as much as I possibly can. That's what motivates me to stay off of cigarettes when I feel a weak moment coming on. Yes, I am aware that smoking causes everything from cancer to heart disease, and one would think that that should be enough reason for me to quit. But again, I can't see the damage being done to my heart or lungs, but I can see the harmful effects it can have on my face.

How would I be able to quit smoking? I needed to devise a strategy. So I asked myself the obvious question: When is it that I am not smoking? Sadly, the answer was that I don't smoke when I am at work or sleeping. Now I find myself going to bed at 8 p.m. just to not give in to my craving to have a smoke. They say that it takes 3 weeks to drop a habit, and that the highest rate of relapse is during those 3 weeks. I try to keep that in mind (along with the wrinkling) and keep telling myself that I am tougher than the addiction. But am I?

I guess in the end it doesn't really matter why I quit smoking. I'll tell you this much, I won't be going to Turkey until I'm 100% confident that I can resist having a cigarette.

Ageism

Do you know that I would rather speak of my life's most painful events rather than to discuss my age? Yup, I'm that sensitive about it. It's a very, very touchy subject for me. Most people don't ask my age and I allow them to believe whatever age they think I am. If forced to, I will lie about it. I never understood why both men and women would lie about how old they are. That is, until now

What's the big deal about it? Ageism. It very much exists. It's a fact that older people have a tougher time landing a job, finding a mate and generally being seen as attractive by others. Are you with me on this? Guys: would you date a woman who was say 5 or ten years older than you? Women: same goes for you. Are you okay with dating or being in a relationship with someone 10 years your senior? Probably not. It was okay for me to date a 35 year old when I was 25, but now I look for men who are either around my age or are younger.

The only way to be considered young at the age of 40 is if you die at the age of 40. Then people will say, "How tragic. They were sooo young." But if you are alive and kicking at 40 what you may hear (if you are lucky) is "you look good for your age". Let me translate that for you: You are old. It's just a sad reality that we all must face someday.

Then there those people who try to make you feel better by saying things like "age is just a number". Yes, 40 is a number and it's a big number. Or how about this one: "it's not how old you are, it's all about how old you feel". Please stop saying these things, it just like pouring the salt directly on our open wound.

Yes, it is true that we get wiser as we get older, but I do fail to see any other advantages to aging. I wish to stay forever young!

Self-disclosure

I was once married to guy named Marc Bailey. Ladies, I am giving you his full name because in the unlikely event that you should come across him, RUN! I mean, run like a bat out of hell!

We both met at an alumni homecoming at the our alma mater. Although we attended the school at about the same time, our paths did not cross until many years later. At the social gathering, we met through a mutual friend. There were no "sparks" no "fire works", nothing. I was not attracted to him and we had little in common apart from having graduating from the same university.

You see, I did not even want to fly out for this event because I was in a deep and dark depression from losing someone close to me. That person's passing threw my world upside down. I spent a lot of time alone and felt no desire to socialize or do anything for that matter. After about a year of being a social recluse my friends and family began to worry because I had shut myself off from the world. At my friends urging, I got on a plane and I was off to Pittsburgh.

They thought that being in a familiar environment and with close friends may help me to get out of the funk I was in. I was going to be my closest friends. What harm could possibly come from that? Plenty.

I met my ex-husband the first day of this 3 day long event. I was a lost puppy and in need of some serious rescuing. Enter Satan, I mean my ex-husband. He was the perfect predator; and I, the perfect prey. He was soft-spoken and seemingly kind and generous. I had completely misjudged him and his true character.

He was living in Connecticut at the time and commuting 2 hours a day to see me. I actually knew then that he was bad news but I weak and vulnerable. After only 4 months of dating and one month of being engaged, we got married in Sin City. I would not recommend marrying in Las Vegas unless you are drunk out of your mind. But I was already out of my mind.

Marc played football at Pitt and is 5'11 and weighs in at about 250. I am 5'3'' and weigh in at about 105. As it turns out, Marc had anger issues and when he was explosive, I could not defend myself. Exactly one week after we married, he gave me my first black eye. I immediately called the police and he was arrested and I obtained a restraining order. What honeymoon! But it didn't end there because like all batterers, he "changed" and appeared remorseful and was just as sweet as can be...until his outbursts. It was a vicious cycle that I got caught up in and found difficult to escape since I was functioning on half a brain.

Here's how we know that people don't change. After a year long marriage, I filed for divorce. During the divorce proceedings, I learned that Marc's first wife also had a restraining order against him. Their marriage was also brief, lasting a mere 6 months. Had I known this, I absolutely would not have married him. I was still smart enough to know that people don't change. God only knows who he is beating up on now.

As a side note, I just wish to add, for those that asked me about my marriage and the events that unfolded assumed that I was married to a Turk and would say things like" I guess it's a cultural thing" "A cultural thing?", I would say, "he's American". People actually looked surprised and in some cases embarrassed (as though domestic violence doesn't occur in America!

Like many of you, I never could have imagined that I would be a victim of domestic violence. Not with my personality make up. No way! But I'm here to tell you that if you are making life decisions from a position of weakness, it can happen to anyone.

My marriage ended 5 years ago and I have no visible scars. But today I know the telltale signs of an abuser, and I can spot one coming a million miles away. There are lots of Marc Bailey's out there, unfortunately. And ladies, they select their victims very carefully. Beware. If it can happen to someone like me, it can happen to you. Any guy who is the least bit controlling has it in him. Steer clear and move on.

Stupid Cupid

As usual, I'm in a state of complete confusion about dating. More specifically, I have been asking myself lately if ethnicity makes any difference to me when it comes to romantic relationships. In many ways it would be easier to date someone who is Turkish, for obvious reasons. The familiarity of our culture would lessen the painstaking efforts I'd have to make to explain the Turkish way of life to a "foreigner". On the other hand, I find that the Turkish men that I meet are just too Turkish for me. What's a Turkish-American girl to do?

The non-Turks that I date find the Turkish thing to be exotic. They like that I am somewhat of a "foreigner" to them yet totally American in many other ways. The Turkish men that I meet - and there haven't been many - expect me to act more Turkish than I really am. Is any of this making any sense?

As I stated in a previous post, I thought that the answer to my problem would be solved by going on Turkish Personals. Surely I'd meet a Turkish-American like myself; someone who understands and appreciates both cultures. Or so I had thought But to my dismay, virtually every guy answered the questions on their profile in Turkish. And the ones that attempted to write in English had busted up English. Yet some of these guys identified themselves as being Turkish-American. They may have U.S. citizenship but they are not Americanized in the least.

The few Turkish-American men that I have met, I just wasn't attracted to. It's tough enough finding Mr. Right but when you throw 2 cultures into the mix, it seems like a formidable task. At this point, I'd be perfectly content with finding someone whose neuroses were compatible with mine.

Panic Attacks and Chill Pills

It's no secret that that I have had my crappy bouts with depression over the past decade. That now seems to be under control with the help of a great anti-depressant. But I thought that I had moved past the panic attacks that used to accompany the depression. That is, up until yesterday. I was in my office and on my computer when BAM! I had my first panic attack in about a year. I never know when or if they are going to creep up on me , so I always carry around my emergency "chill pills". And thank goodness that I was in my office and able to reach for it when it hit me hard and fast.

Panic attacks are nothing like anxiety attacks (which I'm sure most of you have experienced at some point in your life). Anxiety attacks have a gradual onset and most of the time you know when and why they are coming on. Panic attacks come out of nowhere and they make you want to jump out of your skin. It's difficult to breath which leaves you feeling dizzy. You feel like you are going to pass out or die. My hands became numb. You have the urge to run but are left feeling paralyzed. They are terrifying, to say the least.

Within about 10 minutes or so, I felt the chill pill kicking in. This happened in the morning when I first go into work. Needless to say, I was the most relaxed employee in the organization that I work for. Nothing that took place at work had this Turkish girl feeling stressed!

My commute home was a breeze as well. I take the train to work and usually feel somewhat claustrophobic on it. When the train is packed, I sometimes would feel as though the crowded train is going to throw me into another panic attack, but just knowing that I have these meds makes me less anxious. For those of you who don't take commuter trains, I'm here to tell you that they stop in the middle of the tunnel from time-to-time. And it's hard to know when it's going start moving again. Not a good thing for those of us who suffer from panic attacks.

Because of yesterday's panic attack, I started to wonder if they are coming back or if this was just an isolated incident. They scare the shit out of me. Unless you have ever had one, you can't know how God awful they are. I can totally relate to Tony Soprano.

Jesus Loves You

Here's my confessional: I once pretended to be deeply interested in Christianity to get closer to a born again Christian I once met. Let me start from the beginning. I went to my gym one day and learned that the hot abs instructor was Turkish. This guy was just smoking hot! And every gal at the gym was after his Turkish ass. When he found out that I was Turkish, he took an interest in me. We started hanging out together and I was in Heaven (if there is one).

What I quickly learned was that he had converted to Christianity and wanted for me to join his little cult. He would constantly bring up Jesus and talked about how my not accepting Jesus as my Lord and personal savior was the reason for any discontent in my life. But I thought "hey, I can act like I give a crap if that means being with him"

Yup, pretty soon I was going to church with him where I looked like a fish out of water. I couldn't follow which page they were on in the Bible during the sermons, but it didn't matter; I was sitting next to this hot guy. Shallow would be the perfect word to describe me. As I sat in a house of worship with him, my mind was having the most impure thoughts you can possibly imagine.

It wasn't long before I realized that his sole interest in me was to convert me. After awhile, I got tired of hearing about how much Jesus loves me. He also went onto to say that he could never be with a woman who did not not accept Jesus as the son of God. This "relationship" was going nowhere fast. I needed to end it and tell him that I would not convert AND that I do not subscribe to any organized religion.

What was interesting was the "social gathering" they would have after mass. I felt like a spy trying to get into the psyche of the members of this congregation and here's what I learned. Every person who "found" Jesus had the most horrendous life stories just before they became born again, including the hot Turkish personal trainer. These people were: sexually/physically abused as children, had addicts for parents or were addicts themselves, had unhealthy relationships, or simply felt lost...it just went on and on. I felt terribly sorry for each person that told me their personal story which lead to their finding Jesus. I had a lot of crap going on in my life at the time and was in need of a miracle myself. I understood how anyone can easily get sucked into any organized religion or cult if they are vulnerable and fragile enough. None of these people had a strong support system in place. That was the common thread. Now they felt like they were part of a "family".

I did not become a born again but I did feel awfully guilty for pretending to have an interest in what these people held so near and dear to their hearts. As for my Turkish personal trainer, he barely acknowledges me now. I can't say that I blame especially since I said a lot to challenge his beliefs. Okay, so it didn't work out but I sure learned a lot about those who are religious. I remain a deeply spiritual soul, but can't get on board with this religion thing.