Self-disclosure

I was once married to guy named Marc Bailey. Ladies, I am giving you his full name because in the unlikely event that you should come across him, RUN! I mean, run like a bat out of hell!

We both met at an alumni homecoming at the our alma mater. Although we attended the school at about the same time, our paths did not cross until many years later. At the social gathering, we met through a mutual friend. There were no "sparks" no "fire works", nothing. I was not attracted to him and we had little in common apart from having graduating from the same university.

You see, I did not even want to fly out for this event because I was in a deep and dark depression from losing someone close to me. That person's passing threw my world upside down. I spent a lot of time alone and felt no desire to socialize or do anything for that matter. After about a year of being a social recluse my friends and family began to worry because I had shut myself off from the world. At my friends urging, I got on a plane and I was off to Pittsburgh.

They thought that being in a familiar environment and with close friends may help me to get out of the funk I was in. I was going to be my closest friends. What harm could possibly come from that? Plenty.

I met my ex-husband the first day of this 3 day long event. I was a lost puppy and in need of some serious rescuing. Enter Satan, I mean my ex-husband. He was the perfect predator; and I, the perfect prey. He was soft-spoken and seemingly kind and generous. I had completely misjudged him and his true character.

He was living in Connecticut at the time and commuting 2 hours a day to see me. I actually knew then that he was bad news but I weak and vulnerable. After only 4 months of dating and one month of being engaged, we got married in Sin City. I would not recommend marrying in Las Vegas unless you are drunk out of your mind. But I was already out of my mind.

Marc played football at Pitt and is 5'11 and weighs in at about 250. I am 5'3'' and weigh in at about 105. As it turns out, Marc had anger issues and when he was explosive, I could not defend myself. Exactly one week after we married, he gave me my first black eye. I immediately called the police and he was arrested and I obtained a restraining order. What honeymoon! But it didn't end there because like all batterers, he "changed" and appeared remorseful and was just as sweet as can be...until his outbursts. It was a vicious cycle that I got caught up in and found difficult to escape since I was functioning on half a brain.

Here's how we know that people don't change. After a year long marriage, I filed for divorce. During the divorce proceedings, I learned that Marc's first wife also had a restraining order against him. Their marriage was also brief, lasting a mere 6 months. Had I known this, I absolutely would not have married him. I was still smart enough to know that people don't change. God only knows who he is beating up on now.

As a side note, I just wish to add, for those that asked me about my marriage and the events that unfolded assumed that I was married to a Turk and would say things like" I guess it's a cultural thing" "A cultural thing?", I would say, "he's American". People actually looked surprised and in some cases embarrassed (as though domestic violence doesn't occur in America!

Like many of you, I never could have imagined that I would be a victim of domestic violence. Not with my personality make up. No way! But I'm here to tell you that if you are making life decisions from a position of weakness, it can happen to anyone.

My marriage ended 5 years ago and I have no visible scars. But today I know the telltale signs of an abuser, and I can spot one coming a million miles away. There are lots of Marc Bailey's out there, unfortunately. And ladies, they select their victims very carefully. Beware. If it can happen to someone like me, it can happen to you. Any guy who is the least bit controlling has it in him. Steer clear and move on.