Time to Meet the Mom

Well, the time has come for my boyfriend to meet my mother (the week after Thanksgiving). So far my mother seems to be receptive or she is, at least, acting like she's looking forward to the meeting. I should add that my mother never really takes such meetings seriously since I tend to bore quickly and move on to the next guy. Plus, she knows that I met him online. So "just how serious can this relationship be", she must be thinking. I can't say that I would blame her.

Jeff (the boyfriend) and I have been together since the day we met. He is practically living with me. I believe that couples should maintain separate residences for the relationship to work. One never really knows how things are going to work out, after all. I have a greater sense of security knowing that I have my own apartment. Jeff and I have talked about living together but I am not sure that I am totally on board with that yet. I have lived with an ex in the past and when that relationship ended, it was a messy break-up. Had we not have been living together, it would have been a clean and easy break up.

Man, these relationships are difficult to figure out. In the mean time, we'll let Mom have her say - that's always interesting.

Just How Honest Should We Be?

As many of you already know, I have been in a relationship with someone I really care for. It's been almost 3 months and we are still getting to know each other. When people are in the process of getting to know each other in a romantic relationships, we have a tendency to ask questions about the other persons past. It's a dangerous territory to get into because you never really know how the other person is going to react to what you have to say. You also don't know how you are going to react to what they have to say.

So just how honest should we be about our past relationships? Should we even dare to talk about them? I personally had some relationships that ended acrimoniously and I would prefer not to talk about those disastrous relationships. Jeff (my boyfriend) had asked me about my ex-husband (a real asshole) and I don't really see the point in talking about him or anyone else I have had a relationship with. But naturally, when he asks me about my ex-boyfriends, I then ask about his ex-girlfriends and all it does is get on my nerves to hear about how beautiful, smart or funny some of them are.

Before you know it, you start to compare yourself to all the people they have dated. I start to make myself insecure by making those comparisons. Am I as pretty, smart or funny as the people he used to be with? What are my deficiencies? Am I adequate, average or better than those other women? It goes on and on in my head. So long as these other people don't come up in conversation, I am okay. But when they do...oh, how pathetic I become!

Maybe because it's early in the relationship that I don't feel completely secure with what we have. I will admit that he has said that he never felt quite as connected to any of them as he does with me. But still, I wonder. Is honesty about our past really the best policy??

Armenian Story Has Another SIde

Armenian story has another side

By Norman Stone, a historian and the author of "World War I: A Short History"

October 16, 2007

All the world knows what the end of an empire looks like: hundreds of thousands of people fleeing down dusty paths, taking what was left of their possessions; crammed refugee trains puffing their way across arid plains; and many, many people dying. For the Ottoman Empire that process began in the Balkans, the Crimea and the Caucasus as Russia and her satellites expanded. Seven million people -- we would now call them Turks -- had to settle in Anatolia, the territory of modern Turkey.

In 1914, when World War I began in earnest, Armenians living in what is now Turkey attempted to set up a national state. Armenians revolted against the Ottoman government, began what we would now call "ethnic cleansing" of the local Turks. Their effort failed and caused the government to deport most Armenians from the area of the revolt for security reasons. Their sufferings en route are well-known.

Today, Armenian interests in America and abroad are well-organized. What keeps them united is the collective memory of their historic grievance. What happened was not in any way their fault, they believe. If the drive to carve out an ethnically pure Armenian state was a failure, they reason, it was only because the Turks exterminated them.

For years, Armenians have urged the U.S. Congress to recognize their fate as genocide. Many U.S. leaders -- including former secretaries of state and defense and current high-ranking Bush administration officials -- have urged Congress either not to consider or to vote down the current genocide resolution primarily for strategic purposes: Turkey is a critical ally to the U.S. in both Iraq and Afghanistan and adoption of such a resolution would anger and offend the Turkish population and jeopardize U.S.-Turkish relations.

Given this strong opposition, why would Congress, upon the advice of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, make itself arbiter of this controversy? What makes the Armenians' dreadful fate so much worse than the dreadful fates that come with every end of empire? It is here that historians must come in.

First, allegedly critical evidence of the crime consists of forgeries. The British were in occupation of Istanbul for four years after the war and examined all of the files of the Ottoman government. They found nothing, and therefore could not try the 100-odd supposed Turkish war criminals that they were holding. Then, documents turned up, allegedly telegrams from the interior ministry to the effect that all Armenians should be wiped out. The signatures turned out to be wrong, there were no back-up copies in the archives and the dating system was misunderstood.

There are many other arguments against a supposed genocide of the Armenians. Their leader was offered a post in the Turkish Cabinet in 1914, and turned it down. When the deportations were under way, the populations of the big cities were exempted -- Istanbul, Izmir, Aleppo, where there were huge concentrations of Armenians. There were indeed well-documented and horrible massacres of the deportee columns, and the Turks themselves tried more than 1,300 men for these crimes in 1916, convicted many and executed several. None of this squares with genocide, as we classically understand it. Finally, it is just not true that historians as a whole support the genocide thesis. The people who know the background and the language (Ottoman Turkish is terribly difficult) are divided, and those who do not accept the genocide thesis are weightier. The Armenian lobby contends that these independent and highly esteemed historians are simply "Ottomanists" -- a ridiculously arrogant dismissal.

Unfortunately, the issue has never reached a properly constituted court. If the Armenians were convinced of their own case, they would have taken it to one. Instead, they lobby bewildered or bored parliamentary assemblies to "recognize the genocide."

Congress should not take a position, one way or the other, on this affair. Let historians decide. The Turkish government has been saying this for years. It is the Armenians who refuse to take part in a joint historical review, even when organized by impeccably neutral academics. This review is the logical and most sensible path forward. Passage of the resolution by the full House of Representatives would constitute an act of legislative vengeance and would shame well-meaning scholars who want to explore this history from any vantage point other than the one foisted upon the world by ultranationalist Armenians.

Man, it is so easy to HATE Armenians

So I generally use my blog to chronicle my personal life. However, in light of the recent events regarding Pelosi (a fool's fool) and the resolution that looks like is going to pass deeming the events of 1915 in the Ottoamn Empire as a so-called genocide, I felt compelled to write about it.

First off, since when in hell are politicians in a position to act as though they are an authority on history? This whole issue is best for historians to sort out. Am I right?

Secondly, why in the world won't the Armenians go to the Hague and make their case if they are DEAD certain that they have one.

Thirdly, why won't the Armenians open up their God damn archives the way that Turkey has? Again, if they are soooo certain that they were systematically exterminated, what are they so afraid of?

One more question: in 1984 a letter was drafted and signed by (literally) dozens of HISTORIANS (from the U.S. and England) stating that the events of 1915 were NOT a genocide. So tell me, why did Armenian terrorists go after those historians who made this statement? Well, hellooo, Armos, remember your terrorist organization called ASALA. For those of you not familiar with ASALA, they were an Armenian terrorist organization who murdered scores of Turkish Diplomats and civilians.

Yes, I now loathe Armenians who sole national identity has been to have the world feel sorry for them for betraying the very govenment that had long been on their side. That is, up until Armenians got greedy and thought that they could carve out land of their own out of the Ottoman Empire. You all suck. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart

Merging

Jeff and I have been together for a month now and we have been inseparable since the day we have met. I never thought that I could spend so much of my time with another human being without feeling claustrophobic. In the past, I was really protective of my personal space. I couldn't stand it when a guy would leave anything in my apartment that would be a reminder of him. It felt too much like they were moving into my personal space. Not so with Jeff. I have even made room for his personal belongings at my place.

I can remember a time when I was seeing someone else who used to leave his stuff in my apartment and I would freak out. I was too selfish to give up anything of mine for a guy. I guess I never really cared for or was in love with anyone else in the past. It's different for me now. I can happily walk around my apartment and love to see Jeff's things hanging around.

Realistically, I know that this high that we are on will eventually calm down, but my feelings for him continue to grow and deepen. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, then I have found mine. I actually feel optimistic about the future, and I have to say that sharing my life with someone this special makes each day terrific. I'll take the good and the bad with him which I was not willing to do with anyone else. When things got heated in the least bit with other men, I would run away as fast as I could. I'm in this relationship for the long haul - something that I could not say about any of the others.

Can I Fall in Love This Fast?

I recently met and fell in love with someone I met online. His name is Jeff. We began emailing each other, which obviously went well enough to go on a first date. We spoke on the phone for the first time on a Thursday night and it felt like there was a real connection there. We both decided to not go to work on Friday and had our first date. The date started on Friday at 1 p.m. and ended up going until Saturday morning - no, we didn't have sex (that night).

We spent our first date in Hoboken, New Jersey which probably has the most bars per capita in the world. We bounced around from bar to bar and just spent our time laughing and talking. The evening ended at Middle Eastern restaurant which also had a nargile bar. It was an amazing day and night. He left Saturday morning and I met up with again at a bar in New York City on Saturday night. After running around in lower Manhattan, we went back to my place. I am blown away by Jeff. I just love being with him. I knew that there was something special and different about him.

We spent Sunday at my place doing more of the same, just talking and laughing while we played a ton of music. It was great. It was soooo comfortable and easy to be with him. I wasn't self-conscious at all. Nor did I have to wonder what he was thinking or feeling. We were just being ourselves and enjoying each others company.

Jeff came over to my place during the week where we just spent more time getting to know each other. Things are moving along quickly and normally I would say that it's not possible to love someone this fast. I am a cynic by nature. However, Jeff makes me less cynical and more optimistic about the future. He is just a few years younger than me and we seemed to have made a wonderful connection. My hope is that this will last forever. He and I are mature enough to realize that there will come a time when we will both come down off of this "high" we are on. We even look forward to that. I have never fallen for someone like this before and I feel ready to make a committment to him. The best part of all of this is that he cares for me the way that I care for him.

My Confessional for the Week

Okay, I'm just going to fess up and say it: I slept with that Turkish-American guy I met on our 3rd date. And yes, it was a BIG mistake. Not a mistake in that I didn't want for it to happen, not a mistake because I feel any shame, and definitely not a mistake because I did enjoy it. I deeply regret that we slept together too soon. I can't undo what's already been done. If I could turn back the clock, I would have held off.

I'll walk you through it...Things moved really fast between us. We talked and emailed each other everyday and started making plans for things far, far down the road, like New Years Eve. He was even making plan for us to go on a week long vacation this month. That was mistake number one. Never, EVER, talk about the future in that way when you first meet someone. But my experience with Turkish men has always been this way. They immediately stake their claim if they are interested in you or they'll blow you off rather quickly if they are not interested. In that way, it did not seem all that odd to me. American guys just don't talk this way.

THURSDAY: So we were at my place after having dinner together and one thing led to another. And BAM! He changed. It was almost like he was thinking "okay, I had her, now I don't need to pursue her as hard". Was it just my imagination? I wasn't really sure.

FRIDAY: We had plans to have dinner again and perhaps head over to his place. He emailed me at work and said that he was running behind schedule and would be a little later than usual. I had another bad feeling in my gut. But truthfully I was exhausted from the work week, so I cancelled our plans. He called me when he got home from work and our conversation just felt different (in a bad way). So I asked him if he was okay and he simply said that he had a few drinks after work and was just feeling mellow. Whatever...

I woke up on Saturday morning with a really bad feeling again and emailed him saying that I would like for us to just be friends and that we were not a good match for each other. It couldn't have been more brief. He immediately emailed me back and said that he was "surprised" and wish me luck too. End of story, right? Wrong!

That was last weekend and we did not speak or email each other at all. I figured what's done is done and it's time to move on. But last night I forwarded a GROUP email to friends and family and his email address was still hanging around, so he got the email as well. I was surpised this morning by his email to me saying "can a guy and a girl still be friends after they have been intimate?" I wrote him back and said that I meant what I said in my earlier email about us just being friends. The choice was his to make. I thought I was being a mature adult here, wouldn't you say?

He sent me another email saying he was packing for a trip and would contact me this Sunday "to catch up" I already knew he was leaving for this trip as he mentioned it to me when we were still seeing each other. He also wrote in his email that he had purchased a few new things in for his apartment which he wanted me to see.

CAN A GUY AND A GIRL BE "JUST FRIENDS" AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN INITMATE, as he said? More specifically, can a Turkish guy still be friends with a girl after being intimate? I am still friendly with some of my old boyfriends (Americans), and we get along just fine when we run into each other. After all, we are all adults here and none of my relationships (except for my ex-husband) ended in a knock down drag out fight. Those relationships just ended. But I would like to think that he and I can be friends. Maybe I'm naive.

So maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. But if he does, it'll be interesting to see how this one plays out. I've never been in this situation before with a Turkish guy.

Did I mention that he is 9 years younger than me? Maybe he just likes the "older" woman thing, I don't know. Now do you see why I blog anonymously??

Back to Reality

Okay, so I just turned 42 years old. That's a grim fact that I can't change. I can't turn back the clock or live in the past. I guess I should appreciate that I'm in good health, have family and friends who care about me, and have a crazy job that I enjoy (on most days). The truth is that I am more comfortable in my own skin more now than I was when I was 22. Oh man, could it be that I am actually maturing?

What's different now is that I act more responsibly (usually), care so much more about the feelings of others (I was totally self-absorbed in my 20's), and I find that I have greater patience these days in almost every aspect of my life.

I don't need a life partner to validate who I am. But I certainly would enjoy the journey in this life of mine more if I could share it with someone whom I feel deeply connected to. That person may never show up in my life and I need to wrap my brain around that. What if I never have what I am looking for? Should my life come to a screeching halt? I can't just lay down and die, especially since there many things in life that I am so passionate about. It's high time that I come to my senses and live each moment and to truly be in the moment. No more of those silly pity parties when there are things in life that are more important than finding the one. It's a new era.

Happy friggin' birthday to me

Remember when you were a kid and how excited you would become about your birthday approaching? I remember when I was 12 I was excited about turning 13 because I would officially become a teenager. I also recall how excited I was about turning 18 because I was about to be an "adult". And, of course, how could I forget about how excited I was when I turned 21 because I could finally drink legally in the United States (however, I was in Turkey on my 21st birthday).

Ah yes, those were the days. But now, getting a year older just depresses the hell out of me. It just reminds me that my youth is over and I am just one year closer to death. Morbid thought, I know. I look around me and think about all of the things I should and shouldn't have done with my life. I feel like the clock is ticking fast and I am simply running out of time to do the things that I wish to do. Time is just moving too fast.

I made the decision not to celebrate my birthday with friends or anyone else because I don't feel like celebrating. Instead, I will probably get 6 pack, a pack of smokes, and wallow in self-pity on this day (and wish this day would pass really fast).

Men, Sex and Relationships

My sense is that most men seek out relationships for one reason and one reason only: sex. If they were getting sex regularly without being in a relationship, they would never look to be in a real relationship (men: feel free to weigh-in here). There is little doubt in my mind that this is the case. I think that monogamy is unnatural for men. If you asked a man "if you were getting it from multiple partners, would seek out a relationship?", the answer would invariably be "hell no!". I mean, who are we kidding here? Sex is what drives men in selecting a partner(s). Am I wrong? When/if a man finally decides to settle down and get married, the first thing they consider is this: Is this someone I would enjoy sleeping with for the rest of my life?

Ladies, let's not kid ourselves here, to some extent we do it too. But it's different for us. We look at the whole package. We consider his personality, character, appearance, brains, ambition, earning potential, etc... Sex with the guy does not rank first on our list as it does with most men when they seek out a partner. It's amzes me that we ever wind up in relationships at all given that our agendas are so different.

Another One Bites the Dust

So I never did go out with the Pakistani. Instead, I went out a Turkish guy from Turkish Personals. We spent last Saturday and Sunday together and it's over already. There was just something that didn't feel right about it. The only thing I was able to do was to email him and say that we are not a good match for each other. Simple. Done and over with. Why drag out something that just doesn't feel right? These days I actually prefer concentrating on work than on dating. As crazy as my job is, I at least get some satisfaction out it, unlike this dating B.S. It's a crazy world and sometimes I feel as though I'm not in harmony with it. There is only so much disappointment that a gal can take!

Lunch Date

I was off from work yesterday and had my first eHarmony lunch date. Now let me start by saying that this guy writes on his profile that he looks younger than his stated age (47). When he and I first met, I knew immediately that there was no physical attraction. And he does look his age. There was no chemistry whatsoever but I figured he only had an hour for lunch and and I can certainly manage to get through that. We spent time talking about healthy eating which I know very little about. It felt awkward for me because I tried very hard not to show the boredom I was experiencing. The conversation just seemed to get more and more boring until we started talking about music, which I love. Even so, I knew deep in my heart that this nice guy sitting across from me was not going to see me again. After an hour went by, I said "Gosh, look at that, it's been an hour and 15 minutes, you should be getting back to your office". He said, "oh, it's okay we can take our time". Yeah, I realized that I would have to somehow bring this thing to an end on my own. So 45 more minutes passed and I said, "I really think we should leave now" and as I started to get up, he followed my lead. It's easy to end a fun date. But how do you end it when you know you don't want to have contact with the person ever again? As we began walking, he said he had a nice time and wanted to get together again. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and simply said, "yeah". We had an awkward embrace and we parted ways. I came home to a nicely written email from him thanking me for meeting him for lunch. Now what do I do? What do I write back? Should I write back? Help! I decided to just say thank you back and that I, too, had a nice time. I kind of knew there was no chemistry with him over the phone when we were planning to meet, but I wanted to keep an open mind. In hindsight, I should have just trusted my instincts. Now tonight I will be going out with my Pakistani. He, unlike my lunch date, was very funny on the phone, and I am looking forward to meeting him this evening. It's not a time limited lunch date so I hope like hell we get along pretty well.

Let the Games Begin

So I've been emailing a couple of guys on this online dating service that I have been talking about. Unfortunately (or fortunately) you are supposed to give your real first name, and I came across a profile of a guy that I liked but his name was one of those names that could easily be Turkish or Arabic. Because of that, I "closed" that match immediately because I'm not interested in meeting any Turkish men at this time. I already tried out that gig, remember? Anyway, this guy emailed me saying that he felt that we may have some things in common and that he was interested in getting to know me. So I un-closed the match and we began our communication. It turns out that he has a pretty good sense of humor and is also easy on the eyes. What was interesting was that he was hesitant in telling me his ethnic origin. I asked point blank in one of my emails, but he blew it off. So I waited for a couple of emails to go by and he told me that he was not Turkish. What a relief! ( I couldn't stand the thought of being stood up again by a guy who got distracted and had to do his laundry when he was supposed to be out with me.) So what is he? He said he was a Pakistani mutt, and a good looking one at that. We made plans to go out for drinks next week. He lives in NYC which is very convenient. Strangely, I am actually really looking forward to meeting him in person. The down side here is that he is a physician. Let me explain. I have the utmost respect for doctors but rarely are they down-to-earth and fun to be around (minus the docs who are related to me, of course). But I guess I will soon find out how it's gonna go. In the mean time, I am still getting to know a couple of other people but I am in the early stages of this "guided communication" we are forced to go through on this site before being able to freely email each other. We shall see!

Rolling the Dice

Oh, what to do, what to do? I decided to bag the whole Turkish Personals business for awhile since I'm now officially with eHarmony ( you have all seen their commercials of their "success stories" where they show youall of those couples who are dizzy in love, I'm sure). They boast about how they match you up based on their 29 dimensions of compatibility, then they "send" you the matches that they think you are most compatible . I never knew that there were 29 dimensions...did you? You have very little control over your selection in that you are not afforded the opportunity to peruse through a million profiles. In a way, I think I prefer it because I am too damn tired to do it myself. So in away, they do the work for you. Plus, I get to decide on match-by-match basis who can view my picture. And I like that instead of putting myself out there. I am, after all, "Anonymously yours". It's all very new to me and different than Turkish Personals. And I resigned myself to the fact that I am not likely to meet Mr. Turkish-American. It just ain't gonna happen. So far I have come across some quality profiles, if you will. I'm in the beginning stages of meeting/communicating with these folks. Now it really just boils down to chemistry. Needless to say, they have been sending me profiles of men who are either around my age or up to 10 years older. Yup, some of my matches are in there 50's. When I was in my 20's I used to date men who were 10 to 15 years older than me. It was okay back then. But me with someone in their 50's? I never really considered that before but now I am warning up to idea of being paired up with someone who knows who he is and wants out of life. I'm just rolling the dice here.

My Silence Speaks Volumes

I made the decision not to respond to Bulent's email. I know that if I call him or write him, I am likely to tell him off. His email, though seemingly from "the heart", is meaningless to me. The damage was done and I saw enough of his true character to turn me off. What more do I really need to witness? And, based on what he wrote, he already knows that he is an asshole. The apology is worthless. I mentioned in a previous post that I am generally an unforgiving individual. I can hold a grudge forever. This doesn't mean that I won't be polite with people who piss me off. It just means that in the back of mind what keeps playing is what the person has said or done to me that has me disliking them. That reminder never leaves me. I am fully aware that this may not be the healthiest way of living. But it works for me. It's all about self-preservation. I generally try to avoid confrontation. But when put in that position, and once I open my mouth, I can give a person the verbal lashing of a lifetime. And I know this about myself. I am a pressure cooker. Therefore, when I am pissed (I mean really pissed) I actually say nothing at all. I just disconnect and pull the plug immediately. Most people learn this about me over time. Telling people off doesn't make me feel any better. And I find that it is a waste of time. I simply choose to ignore them and let them stew in their own crap. It's just so much more satisfying.

Bulent's Email to Me

I hope all is well with you. I was planning to call you earlier this evening but I could only make it back home from work around 9:35 PM and I did not want to disturb you this late. I do not know if it is going to change anything but I want to appologize for being impolite and late to call last weekend. I know that it might not be an excuse but I really am very busy at work these past few months due to a deadline on July 11th. I left you two voice messages earlier this week. Perhaps I should have expressed myself in a more polite manner. When I asked you to call me back that was not an order. It was a wish. You certainly have no obligation to do so. I did not express it but I felt close to you and made the mistake of addressing you as if we knew each other for a longer time. Thank you for meeting with me last week. Your pictures are good but I think you look prettier in person. We do have many things in common. I was hoping we could give each other more chances to get to know each other a little better. As I said I am somewhat sceptial about meeting people online and corresponding via e-mails. So I thought in our case -since we live within a walking distance- we could minimize that part and take a more real and direct approach. I hope I am mistaken but unfortunately currently this too looks likely to be one of those "easy come easy go" encounters. I could write much more to you with the intention of trying to convince you to write back and/or contact me somehow. However we are both experienced enough to know that it is hard to change things once the feeling is lost. I can talk a lot under certain settings and do give people the credit when I first meet them that they are good people. But I also know that most people are selfish and compromise honesty for personal gain. And that the probabilitiy of finding a compatible "infidel" such as myself for this sort of friendship is quite slim in a world of believers. As I mentioned I did gave up TP a few years ago. Now it's like deja vu all over again. Thanks to your flirt I became a member and now I have two more weeks of membership left. I would like to invite you for a dinner this Friday evening or another day of your choice. I can not read my personal e-mail from work but you have my cell number. Assuming this is what you want -unless I hear from you - I will no longer disturb you again at you home phone. I hope I will hear again from you. But there's also a good probability that you have other things going on for you. If that happens to be your preference I hope it turns out to be the right choice for you. In any case may happiness be with you. Bulent This is the email that Bulent sent me to "explain" himself. Remember, in his vm message he said he was in Manhattan and then had laundry to do which is why he did not call me until very late in the day. What would you do if you were me? Quite frankly, I have no desire to make room in my life for any B.S.

A Change of Venue

Okay, so I have somewhat given up hope that I'll meet Mr. Right on Turkish Personals. I still have my profile up even though it appears that meeting a Turkish-AMERICAN isn't going to be as easy as I thought. We live in America. So, I thought "how hard could it possibly be?". Well, folks, it's hard. Very hard. More than half of those who respond do so in Turkish. I get a headache from just reading their profile since I read Turkish at about the 3rd grade level. So I have decided that ethnicity may not be that important to me after all. I am now on an American online dating service. I have spent just about my entire adult life dating or being in relationships with Americans. And I just "get" them better than I do Turkish men. Maybe I am more American than I am Turkish. Hell, I don't know. At least I understand what they are writing on their profiles. What's more, there is a far larger pool to select from to find someone with whom I would be compatible. Okay, so they don't know what manti is. Should that really matter?

May I Vent?

Oh, what the hell! It is my blog, after all. Bulent has turned out to be a weirdo. Let us go over the time line and events, shall we? Okay, I give the guy my number and his FIRST phone call to me was at 3 p.m on a Tuesday. Now why would make your first phone call to me at a time when you know I'm going to be at work? I thought that to be odd. Nevertheless, when I came home and retrieved his message, I returned the call and we had our first conversation. It went okay. It was left with "I'll call you this weekend and we can make some plans". As a side note, he was aware that I was going to a concert on Saturday night. Wednesday - the very next day - he calls me and says " I'm in your area and was wondering if you want to get together for drinks". He made this call at 8 p.m. and I said ahead of time that I get up to go to work at 5:30 a.m, so it won't be a late night. I meet him for the first time and have a very Mediocre evening. The evening ends with him saying that we should get together again. No concrete plans are made. Whatever. I don't hear from again so on Saturday,before leaving to go to the concert, I call him because I realized that I looked to eager for the evening to end on Wednesday as I kept pushing for the check to arrive. I thought by calling him, he would at least know that I was not DISinterested in him. He answers the phone and says " Oh, I was going to call you". (Yeah, right.) We have a brief conversation and he asks me if I want to get together the next day. He says, "great, I'll call you tomorrow and we will make plans". He says "have a great time at the concert and we will talk tomorrow", and the conversation ends. So Sunday rolls around and truth be told, I was nursing a hangover all day. The thought of taking a shower, getting dressed and going out with him was less than appealing to me given my condition. But I am one to keep my word and was still up for seeing him. Does he call? Yes, AT 8:30 p.m! That's right, the whole day passes by when he decides to ring me up. Ya think he could have called a wee bit earlier? He leaves me a vm message saying "Sorry, I know it's late but I went into Manhattan today and had to do some laundry" Laundry?? WTF? And again says, "I'm in your area if you are up for grabbing a beer" Needless to say, I did not return his call. I'm thinking it's pretty much over with this guy. He doesn't keep his word and refuses to make plans in advance. So tonight he called me and left another message (thank God for caller ID) saying yet again "I'm in your area and if you want have drinks, call me". Is he serious or what!? It's as though he expects me to just be home and be ready to go out with him whenever HE is up to it. Well, that ship has sailed, as they say. I refuse to ever see his sorry Turkish ass again. Thanks for listening.

When Harry Met Sally

When I was out last night with my friend of 20 years (Rob), I told him that Bulent from Turkish Personals said that he felt that it was absolutely impossible for a man and a woman to just be friends. Rob and I both disagree. Rob and I have had a 20 year friendship and at no time were we romantically involved. Rob went on to list all of the female friends that he has and said that there was never any sexual tension with any of them. My situation was a bit different. My male friends had at some point either sent signals showing interest in being more than just friends. And some of my male friends flat out said that wished to take the friendship to the "next level". However, my declining their advances did not end the friendship. I don't know what that says about the gender differences. What ultimately has ended some friendships with men over the years was their new significant others' inability to accept me as their boyfriends female friend. It wasn't my male friend that ended the friendship, it was always their new girlfriend - or worse - their new wife. I believe that men and women can just be friends so long as both are single. Once either gets romantically involved, it becomes the kiss of death for their friendship. I have to admit, even though I myself have male friends in my life, it would bother me to know that the guy I was romantically involved with had close friendship with a woman. I don't know why. But I just know that it would. The only thing that could possibly change that for me is if she turned out be a just as close a friend to me as well. Again, I'm just guessing here.

Racism

It's an ugly thing born out of ignorance. I have been on the receiving end of it by some Greeks and Armenians right here in good old America. Do I hate all Armenians or Greeks because there were a few bad apples in the bunch? No. I like who I like because of their character, not because of their ethnic origin. If you are good to me, chances are I will like you. But that does not seem to be the case for some. So I am going to share this story that makes me sick to my stomach and you can tell me your thoughts. A few years back, I was hired to work for an organization where I was to share an office with an Armenian. When we first met, I had no idea that she was Armenian but, as it would turn out, she knew ahead of time the new hire (me) was a Turk. She knew this because she was told my name before I started working there. (I have a very, very Turkish name). Apparently, when she found out that she was going to be sharing an office with a Turk, she became livid, to say the least. She, like the Armenian propaganda machine, immediately got to work in telling everyone that we would be working with that Turks committed a genocide against Armenians. She basically said that we Turks were barbaric, not to be trusted, were vicious, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, there were some people at the job that did not receive me all that warmly, initially. I was at a loss - and at a disadvantage. It was not until I learned that she was Armenian that it all began to make sense. Some of my co-workers noticed that she was rather cold towards me and when I asked them what her problem was, one person remarked, "well, it might have something to do with your ancestors killing off her ancestors". I quizzically scratched my head and said "what are you talking about?". Another co-worker fessed up and said that when she learned that the new hire was a Turk, she began telling everyone at work about all of the terrible atrocities that were committed by the Turks against Armenians (and by God, she was pissed). It disgusted her that she would have to be around a Turk. Needless to say, I had to do a whole lot of damage control not only to defend Turks, but to defend myself as well. I went into the history - the real history - between Turks and Armenians. It pissed me off that I was put into that position at the workplace. My focus at my new job should have been the work. But because of this racist pig that I worked with, I had to explain crap to my co-workers that had nothing to do with work. And all I really cared about was the work. But nooo... Here's the kicker: She was fresh out of graduate school whereas I was coming into this position with substantial experience. Where she could not win was that I was the better employee and she knew it. She actually started coming to me with questions about work because she didn't know squat about handling some situations that were second nature to me. And yes, I did help her when she asked for it. And, over time. I gained the respect of those whom she desperately tried to turn against me. She eventually came around herself. About one year later we were having lunch in our office and she stunned me when she blurted out, " ya know, I didn't think that I could ever like because you are a Turk". "Just knowing that they hired you (a Turk) made me go crazy". And I can never forget those racist words.

Bulent

Well, folks, I don't know what to say. I went out with Bulent tonight who really did turn out to be a really nice guy. I came home from work, took my make up off and was preparing to have a nice time just watching the tube and relaxing. At about 8 p.m., Bulent called me by surprise and said he was in my area and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him for drinks. Being the lazy piece of crap that I am, I first said no. Then I thought, "oh, what the hell", and I slapped on some make up, got dressed and met him. He turned out to be a nice person but the conversation didn't exactly flow in my opinion nor was I attracted to him all that much - which is not to say that he wasn't attractive. But I just wasn't feeling it, if ya know what I mean. We talked about religion (he is an atheist and I'm spiritual/agnostic). We didn't quite agree with each other about the subject matter. I had to bring up the age issue as well. On his profile he said that his ideal match would be between 25 to 35. He is 43. Come on! How many woman out there at the age of 20-something are even interested in a guy in his 40's? I said, "Bulent, I am 6 years older than your cut-off age. How do you feel being with me knowing that I'm in my 40s?" He answered that question diplomatically by not really answering it at all. Men are just odd creatures that I don't quite seem to understand. But here's the part where we agreed on an issue that made me think that maybe this guy is for me: He doesn't believe in getting married and that marriage is what kills most relationships. I don't know if it was that statement or the Coronas I was drinking that made him suddenly more attractive to me. Like me, he likes being in an exclusive relationship that need not necessarily lead to marriage. My God! Have I met the man of my dreams after all? I get up at 5:30 in morning and told him that it was getting late and that I really needed to start heading home. He said, "do you really feel like wrapping things up?". I had to because I need sleep to function at work. But truthfully, I did not feel as though we had much chemistry. I think that I will see him again since he and I did get along okay. But "okay" was all that it was. Anyway, I'm glad that we hung out together for a short while and sucked down some cold brews. He kissed me on the cheek and off I went. It was a pleasant evening minus any fireworks. I loved that he was so honest in his answering my questions (except the age thing). I never got the impression that he was trying hard to impress me (which impresses me). So we shall see if the next "date" is less awkward for me. God damn this dating crap is so complicated!!

Another Try

Okay. So I had a nice conversation tonight with another guy I met from Turkish Personals. He lives nearby, so I'm likely to have a drink or two with him sometime this week. Actually I am drinking a Dos Equis as I write this so forgive me for any typos. I am slightly buzzed and I feel really relaxed right now. For the sake of anonymity I won't mention his name (Bulent). We had the usual chit chat that you would have during that first phone conversation like where are you from, where do work, have you ever been convicted of a crime/felony, etc... He seemed to be a very nice person. I strangely felt uncomfortable when he brought up the Armenian issue, even though we are on the same team regarding this issue. He was very passionate about it and I really wasn't. The topic just drains the crap out of me because I hear enough about the issue from Armenians and they often lead to my feeling exasperated. This part of the conversation went on longer than I hoped. So I changed the subject to music which he really got into. Whew! As it turns out, he is a drummer. The downside was that he doesn't have an appreciation for Springteen, whom I love. I still believe that I can convert him to being a die hard fan. We talked about our (bad) experiences on Turkish personals and how people lie on their profiles. This guy seemed to be genuine and sincere. The best part is that he lives a mile away from so we can get together and see if there is any chemistry. Anyway, if things don't work out, I have Hans waiting in the wings. Either way, I win. Thanks, Hans

Reach Up and Touch the Sky

That's what you want to do when you attend a Southside Johnny concert. It also happens to be the name of one of his songs. We were lucky enough to get tickets to one of his shows next weekend and I can't wait. I can't wait to hear his soulful voice and that amazing horns section of his band. They will be playing out at BB Kings which is a fairly small venue.

I fell in love with this band back in the early 80's when he was playing pretty often down the Jersey shore at the Stone Pone and the Fast Lane. He has a gift when it comes to engaging his audience and having you feel like you are part of the band.

It's not uncommon for him to have other well known artists appear at his gigs. In fact, Springsteen has shown up in the past. So has Miami Steve Van Zandt (you may know him from the Sopranos). Ronnie Spector has also shown up as has Nils Lofgren.

I was talking to friend of mine who is my age and we discussing how nights out like this one makes us feel younger. I've spent most of my life going to see live bands. There really is something about it that takes you back in time, if even for a short while. So next weekend, I will be lost in his music. If only that feeling could last.

Simple Minds

I'm sure that most you have seen bumper stickers or T-shirts that read "mean people suck". They are sold just about everywhere in the Tri-State area which is where I live. Mean people really do suck; they have a chip on their shoulder and they just wait for the opportunity to try and ruin someones day or at least give it their best shot.

Each one us is responsible for our own happiness. It's not up to the rest of the world to accommodate these jerks. If we take issue with something or someone, we may or may not take it up with the person with whom we disagree, then we move on. That's what a relatively normal person would do. But not these nut jobs. They want to beat a dead horse until their never ending hostility is heard by all. They continue on relentlessly and have no interest in hearing what others have to say or (God forbid) feel. They are deranged and personality disordered. Therefore, it is pointless in trying to engage them in an adult conversation. And why? Because it all about them. Their idea of being adult-like is to take cheap shots at the person they are pissed at. What's particularly striking about these individuals is that they personalize everything that has absolutely nothing to do with them. They need to figure out a way to find their own happiness without trying to insult or belittle others. But they of know of no other way to conduct themselves. In a word, they are immature.

Check out the comments left for me by "anonymous" on my previous post. She is the perfect asshole.

Peter Pan Syndrome

Okay, so I am 41 years old and I have birthday that is fast-approaching. The thought of it makes me ill. You see, I still think of myself as being 25. I don't like this getting older business. I suffer from what I call Peter Pan Syndrome or PPS.

I find that there are many single people like me who still have childish dreams and child-like ways. We act like adults in that we go to work, pay our bills and act fairly responsibly. But we don't wish to get married and settle down. We want to live selfishly. That is something we can't do if we are "tied down". Yes, we are in search of finding a significant other to hang out with. But it pretty much ends there. We don't wish to be married because that would be a real buzz kill.

We like having time on our hands to be self-indulgent and hedonistic. Married people view us as being selfish - and we are. And what is so wrong with that? We don't envy our married friends; we tolerate them and their incredibly dull lives. I think that married people assume that we single people are always looking to get married. Trust me, we are not. I would go so far as to say that we are happier than they are. We are tired of listening to you married folks complaining about your spouse's ways. Honestly, we don't really care. As they say, you made your bed, now lie in it! Stop bringing us down.

We Are Not Perfect. Admit it!!

You know you're at least a tad bit nuts. So just admit it. I know you are somewhat crazy and so do you. I've have no issues with having issues. I have boatloads. I was born with them and have learned to even embrace some them over the years. Being neurotic is normal; pretending to be sane and stable is NOT normal. Or is it? I just don't know. I am nuts. Remember?

I love being around people who can be self-deprecating and not fearful of others seeing their vulnerabilities. We ALL have weaknesses. It fascinates me that some people have such a difficult time in saying things like "I don't know" or "I don't understand". Why is it that we can't simply let others know or see that there are things we just plain suck at. What's the worst thing that can happen? Why are we so afraid to allow ourselves to be seen in an unfavorable light? Why are some people so damn insecure? And what is wrong with feeling insecure?

I have some co-workers who will never say, "Oops! I screwed up". And if my saying that makes others around me feel "superior" in some weird and twisted way, then fine. I'll be the one to take the hit and move on. It just fascinates me that some folks have such a hard time with fessing up their imperfections. I'm drawn to those that can easily speak of their imperfections and flaws. These are the people that I find to be more sane and stable AND more interesting. Plus, I trust them more because they are not trying to hide anything. They are an open book. And I like that. They are also hard to come by.

Can we stop censoring ourselves so much. We make mistakes. We say and do stupid things. We all screw up sometime. We are human. And to hell with those who sit on their high horse and judge us. Why is it that we are we all so darn afraid of failing? What's the worst thing that will happen if someone sees that we are not perfect? Why is it so hard to say "I screwed up". Why are we supposed to walk around and act like we are flawless?

The Tangled Webs We Weave

I can't even believe that this is happening. From the beginning...I thought that I put my Turkish Personals.com profile in "hide" mode only to discover an email from someone responding to my profile which, as it turns out, is still (was) showing. I read the guys profile and thought it was written well enough for me to respond. We emailed each other through the website and it wasn't long before I gave him my yahoo email address with my real name. When I got his email, I nearly passed out because I recognized his unusual Turkish last name. Panicked, I quickly sent him an email with my telephone number and simply said "you need to call me as you as you get this email". And he did.

He was friendly and said that he enjoyed reading my profile and the emailing bit that we did. To be certain that I truly knew who he was, I asked a couple of questions and I got my dreaded answer. He was the brother of my ex-fiance/husband (I'll get to the husband part)! It actually went pretty well over the phone after he got over the initial shock. Then it was like talking to an old friend. He asked how my family was doing, I asked how his family was doing, and it was all nice and innocent - I thought.

After we made the discovery that we already knew each other, I thought that it would pretty much end there. Or maybe we'd have coffee someday down the pike. I was stunned when he asked me out on a date. I know the difference between setting up a casual meeting and setting up a real date. This was definitely a date that he was interested in setting up. I said that it would be too awkward to have a date given our history. He didn't seem to give a crap that his brother and I were not only briefly engaged, we even had a religious ceremony by an Imam to shut everyone in his family up since his brother had moved in with me. So I guess you could even say that I am still his brother's wife until he says "I divorce you" 3 times. At least, I think that's how it goes.

Anyway, I was not all that surprised that this pig wanted to hook up with me because what he didn't know was that I knew about his cheating on his now ex-wife. And so much for family loyalty! I figured that out of respect for his brother he'd say, "hey, nice talking to you and have a good life. Bye". But no, not an issue for him, the slime.

All of this reminded about 2 things: 1) how ridiculous my love life is AND 2) I had forgotten that I was already "married".

Manhattan

I have reached a point where I can no longer continue being anti-social. During the winter months, my excuse for not being around people had been the miserable weather. Now that the weather has been sunny and warm, I have no excuse to turn my back to the world. Actually, I'm starting to go stir crazy from being in my own company so damn much. I need to get out and start enjoying everything that's around me. Otherwise, I fear that I will start smoking again and perhaps have my mind travel to places that aren't so pretty.

I called a friend of mine who is the male version of myself. We think a lot alike and it's just very comfortable being in his company. We decided that we would go to BB Kings Bar and Grill in 2 weeks to see a great bar band called Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes. Just having made these plans to go and see this band had me feeling better. Plus, I love Manhattan.

I have made the decision to get back out there and start enjoying life. There is so much going on in NYC that I feel guilty for not taking advantage of some of the many things to do. I guess when the greatest city on earth is right there in your backyard, you keep thinking that you'll always have the opportunity to jump in and enjoy it whenever you feel like it.

I love NYC for many reasons. I won't even bother to try and sell you on it because you have to live in this area to really get the flavor of this fascinating city. I love the the shot of adrenalin I get as soon as my feet hit the ground in NYC. I feel more alive and a part of the world when I'm in Manhattan. Make no mistake about it, it has its downside. But I can't imagine a better place in the world to be, especially with my neurotic personality type.

What Vanity!

The last cigarette I had was Tuesday night at 7 p.m. I remember that last cigarette well and I'm missing having one right now. I'm still experiencing the withdrawl symtoms which has me feeling great compassion for every drug addict trying to "kick their habit".

It should come as no surprise that the first cigarette I had was when I went to Turkey at the age of 19, Everybody - and I do mean eveybody - was smoking. I could not go anywhere in Turkey where at least more than half the people had a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. It became a situation where I thought if you can't beat 'em, join them. I also thought it would be a fine way to stay thin in that smoking would supress my appetite (remember, I was only 19). So my real reason for picking up the habit was out of vanity. It was not long before I became a full-time smoker.

Now 20 years later I'm trying to quit smoking for the same reason I started - vanity. I don't want to age prematurely and all of you already know that I am obssessed with staying and looking young. It's well documented that smoking causes wrinkles and I am determined to fight the aging process as much as I possibly can. That's what motivates me to stay off of cigarettes when I feel a weak moment coming on. Yes, I am aware that smoking causes everything from cancer to heart disease, and one would think that that should be enough reason for me to quit. But again, I can't see the damage being done to my heart or lungs, but I can see the harmful effects it can have on my face.

How would I be able to quit smoking? I needed to devise a strategy. So I asked myself the obvious question: When is it that I am not smoking? Sadly, the answer was that I don't smoke when I am at work or sleeping. Now I find myself going to bed at 8 p.m. just to not give in to my craving to have a smoke. They say that it takes 3 weeks to drop a habit, and that the highest rate of relapse is during those 3 weeks. I try to keep that in mind (along with the wrinkling) and keep telling myself that I am tougher than the addiction. But am I?

I guess in the end it doesn't really matter why I quit smoking. I'll tell you this much, I won't be going to Turkey until I'm 100% confident that I can resist having a cigarette.

Ageism

Do you know that I would rather speak of my life's most painful events rather than to discuss my age? Yup, I'm that sensitive about it. It's a very, very touchy subject for me. Most people don't ask my age and I allow them to believe whatever age they think I am. If forced to, I will lie about it. I never understood why both men and women would lie about how old they are. That is, until now

What's the big deal about it? Ageism. It very much exists. It's a fact that older people have a tougher time landing a job, finding a mate and generally being seen as attractive by others. Are you with me on this? Guys: would you date a woman who was say 5 or ten years older than you? Women: same goes for you. Are you okay with dating or being in a relationship with someone 10 years your senior? Probably not. It was okay for me to date a 35 year old when I was 25, but now I look for men who are either around my age or are younger.

The only way to be considered young at the age of 40 is if you die at the age of 40. Then people will say, "How tragic. They were sooo young." But if you are alive and kicking at 40 what you may hear (if you are lucky) is "you look good for your age". Let me translate that for you: You are old. It's just a sad reality that we all must face someday.

Then there those people who try to make you feel better by saying things like "age is just a number". Yes, 40 is a number and it's a big number. Or how about this one: "it's not how old you are, it's all about how old you feel". Please stop saying these things, it just like pouring the salt directly on our open wound.

Yes, it is true that we get wiser as we get older, but I do fail to see any other advantages to aging. I wish to stay forever young!

Self-disclosure

I was once married to guy named Marc Bailey. Ladies, I am giving you his full name because in the unlikely event that you should come across him, RUN! I mean, run like a bat out of hell!

We both met at an alumni homecoming at the our alma mater. Although we attended the school at about the same time, our paths did not cross until many years later. At the social gathering, we met through a mutual friend. There were no "sparks" no "fire works", nothing. I was not attracted to him and we had little in common apart from having graduating from the same university.

You see, I did not even want to fly out for this event because I was in a deep and dark depression from losing someone close to me. That person's passing threw my world upside down. I spent a lot of time alone and felt no desire to socialize or do anything for that matter. After about a year of being a social recluse my friends and family began to worry because I had shut myself off from the world. At my friends urging, I got on a plane and I was off to Pittsburgh.

They thought that being in a familiar environment and with close friends may help me to get out of the funk I was in. I was going to be my closest friends. What harm could possibly come from that? Plenty.

I met my ex-husband the first day of this 3 day long event. I was a lost puppy and in need of some serious rescuing. Enter Satan, I mean my ex-husband. He was the perfect predator; and I, the perfect prey. He was soft-spoken and seemingly kind and generous. I had completely misjudged him and his true character.

He was living in Connecticut at the time and commuting 2 hours a day to see me. I actually knew then that he was bad news but I weak and vulnerable. After only 4 months of dating and one month of being engaged, we got married in Sin City. I would not recommend marrying in Las Vegas unless you are drunk out of your mind. But I was already out of my mind.

Marc played football at Pitt and is 5'11 and weighs in at about 250. I am 5'3'' and weigh in at about 105. As it turns out, Marc had anger issues and when he was explosive, I could not defend myself. Exactly one week after we married, he gave me my first black eye. I immediately called the police and he was arrested and I obtained a restraining order. What honeymoon! But it didn't end there because like all batterers, he "changed" and appeared remorseful and was just as sweet as can be...until his outbursts. It was a vicious cycle that I got caught up in and found difficult to escape since I was functioning on half a brain.

Here's how we know that people don't change. After a year long marriage, I filed for divorce. During the divorce proceedings, I learned that Marc's first wife also had a restraining order against him. Their marriage was also brief, lasting a mere 6 months. Had I known this, I absolutely would not have married him. I was still smart enough to know that people don't change. God only knows who he is beating up on now.

As a side note, I just wish to add, for those that asked me about my marriage and the events that unfolded assumed that I was married to a Turk and would say things like" I guess it's a cultural thing" "A cultural thing?", I would say, "he's American". People actually looked surprised and in some cases embarrassed (as though domestic violence doesn't occur in America!

Like many of you, I never could have imagined that I would be a victim of domestic violence. Not with my personality make up. No way! But I'm here to tell you that if you are making life decisions from a position of weakness, it can happen to anyone.

My marriage ended 5 years ago and I have no visible scars. But today I know the telltale signs of an abuser, and I can spot one coming a million miles away. There are lots of Marc Bailey's out there, unfortunately. And ladies, they select their victims very carefully. Beware. If it can happen to someone like me, it can happen to you. Any guy who is the least bit controlling has it in him. Steer clear and move on.

Stupid Cupid

As usual, I'm in a state of complete confusion about dating. More specifically, I have been asking myself lately if ethnicity makes any difference to me when it comes to romantic relationships. In many ways it would be easier to date someone who is Turkish, for obvious reasons. The familiarity of our culture would lessen the painstaking efforts I'd have to make to explain the Turkish way of life to a "foreigner". On the other hand, I find that the Turkish men that I meet are just too Turkish for me. What's a Turkish-American girl to do?

The non-Turks that I date find the Turkish thing to be exotic. They like that I am somewhat of a "foreigner" to them yet totally American in many other ways. The Turkish men that I meet - and there haven't been many - expect me to act more Turkish than I really am. Is any of this making any sense?

As I stated in a previous post, I thought that the answer to my problem would be solved by going on Turkish Personals. Surely I'd meet a Turkish-American like myself; someone who understands and appreciates both cultures. Or so I had thought But to my dismay, virtually every guy answered the questions on their profile in Turkish. And the ones that attempted to write in English had busted up English. Yet some of these guys identified themselves as being Turkish-American. They may have U.S. citizenship but they are not Americanized in the least.

The few Turkish-American men that I have met, I just wasn't attracted to. It's tough enough finding Mr. Right but when you throw 2 cultures into the mix, it seems like a formidable task. At this point, I'd be perfectly content with finding someone whose neuroses were compatible with mine.

Panic Attacks and Chill Pills

It's no secret that that I have had my crappy bouts with depression over the past decade. That now seems to be under control with the help of a great anti-depressant. But I thought that I had moved past the panic attacks that used to accompany the depression. That is, up until yesterday. I was in my office and on my computer when BAM! I had my first panic attack in about a year. I never know when or if they are going to creep up on me , so I always carry around my emergency "chill pills". And thank goodness that I was in my office and able to reach for it when it hit me hard and fast.

Panic attacks are nothing like anxiety attacks (which I'm sure most of you have experienced at some point in your life). Anxiety attacks have a gradual onset and most of the time you know when and why they are coming on. Panic attacks come out of nowhere and they make you want to jump out of your skin. It's difficult to breath which leaves you feeling dizzy. You feel like you are going to pass out or die. My hands became numb. You have the urge to run but are left feeling paralyzed. They are terrifying, to say the least.

Within about 10 minutes or so, I felt the chill pill kicking in. This happened in the morning when I first go into work. Needless to say, I was the most relaxed employee in the organization that I work for. Nothing that took place at work had this Turkish girl feeling stressed!

My commute home was a breeze as well. I take the train to work and usually feel somewhat claustrophobic on it. When the train is packed, I sometimes would feel as though the crowded train is going to throw me into another panic attack, but just knowing that I have these meds makes me less anxious. For those of you who don't take commuter trains, I'm here to tell you that they stop in the middle of the tunnel from time-to-time. And it's hard to know when it's going start moving again. Not a good thing for those of us who suffer from panic attacks.

Because of yesterday's panic attack, I started to wonder if they are coming back or if this was just an isolated incident. They scare the shit out of me. Unless you have ever had one, you can't know how God awful they are. I can totally relate to Tony Soprano.

Jesus Loves You

Here's my confessional: I once pretended to be deeply interested in Christianity to get closer to a born again Christian I once met. Let me start from the beginning. I went to my gym one day and learned that the hot abs instructor was Turkish. This guy was just smoking hot! And every gal at the gym was after his Turkish ass. When he found out that I was Turkish, he took an interest in me. We started hanging out together and I was in Heaven (if there is one).

What I quickly learned was that he had converted to Christianity and wanted for me to join his little cult. He would constantly bring up Jesus and talked about how my not accepting Jesus as my Lord and personal savior was the reason for any discontent in my life. But I thought "hey, I can act like I give a crap if that means being with him"

Yup, pretty soon I was going to church with him where I looked like a fish out of water. I couldn't follow which page they were on in the Bible during the sermons, but it didn't matter; I was sitting next to this hot guy. Shallow would be the perfect word to describe me. As I sat in a house of worship with him, my mind was having the most impure thoughts you can possibly imagine.

It wasn't long before I realized that his sole interest in me was to convert me. After awhile, I got tired of hearing about how much Jesus loves me. He also went onto to say that he could never be with a woman who did not not accept Jesus as the son of God. This "relationship" was going nowhere fast. I needed to end it and tell him that I would not convert AND that I do not subscribe to any organized religion.

What was interesting was the "social gathering" they would have after mass. I felt like a spy trying to get into the psyche of the members of this congregation and here's what I learned. Every person who "found" Jesus had the most horrendous life stories just before they became born again, including the hot Turkish personal trainer. These people were: sexually/physically abused as children, had addicts for parents or were addicts themselves, had unhealthy relationships, or simply felt lost...it just went on and on. I felt terribly sorry for each person that told me their personal story which lead to their finding Jesus. I had a lot of crap going on in my life at the time and was in need of a miracle myself. I understood how anyone can easily get sucked into any organized religion or cult if they are vulnerable and fragile enough. None of these people had a strong support system in place. That was the common thread. Now they felt like they were part of a "family".

I did not become a born again but I did feel awfully guilty for pretending to have an interest in what these people held so near and dear to their hearts. As for my Turkish personal trainer, he barely acknowledges me now. I can't say that I blame especially since I said a lot to challenge his beliefs. Okay, so it didn't work out but I sure learned a lot about those who are religious. I remain a deeply spiritual soul, but can't get on board with this religion thing.

Blogging (Anonymously)

Seems that there are many people who choose to blog anonymously. And I suppose each person has there own reason as to why they do so. Why do I prefer to blog anonymously? I do it because I can write more freely, especially when it comes to writing about deeply personal stuff. But the truth is that everyone is anonymous.

Why do any of us choose to do this? What's the difference between telling close friends and family members about the day-to-day thoughts that runs through our heads versus writing thoughts about a host of issues for others to read (who are complete strangers)? I suppose that there are many reasons for this as well. I won't bother to speculate here.

For me, there is something cathartic about writing in general. It's always nice to hear other peoples' comments about the thoughts that we jot down. I welcome them, always. (Yes, even if if I'm not in complete agreement with the comments.) It's interesting to hear what complete strangers have to say because, unlike family and friends, bloggers don't know us well enough to tell us what they think we want to hear? I may be wrong about this. But I don't think so.

We disclose and expose parts ourselves little by little with each entry. I chose to chronicle the events, thoughts and observations of my daily life. In some ways, you may know more about me than those who are closest to me.

It doesn't really matter how much each of us reveals about ourselves in the "about me" section nor does it matter what we choose to write about ourselves. In the end, we still remain anonymous to the rest of the world. We give a sense of who we are to the reader, but they will never really and truly know the real "us". You will never really know how I conduct myself on a daily basis. Nor will I ever know who you really are. But strangely, there is still some mysterious connection, nonetheless. I feel like I know you by what you have had to say.

I look forward not only to writing, but to reading what is of interest to you. It tells me a little bit about the person you are. What I can't figure out about you, I fill in the gaps with my imagination which more than likely has me drawing the wrong conclusion about who you are. I wonder if we ever came face-to-face if we'd measure up to being what we had imagined. But we all know that that day is not likely to ever come along. But still, I wonder.

Cheap People

There a few people that always stress me out whenever we go out. They stress me out because I just know that when the bill arrives at the end of the evening, they always "come up short" when paying for the bill. I don't know how to handle these people other than to either 1) not associate with them an longer or 2) to pick up the whole tab to avoid the stress of figuring out what their share is (which I am likely to cover anyway).

I have male and female friends where it's always comfortable going out with because we just split the bill straight down the middle, and it's fair and easy. But what about those people who practically create a scene by saying "let's see...I had the burger, you had the steak, I drank martinis, you had the beer...blah, blah, blah. It's so frustrating and embarrassing to me that I much of the time just say "Here's my AMEX card, you can pay the next time we go out". But do they pay the next time? No. It's the same situation that plays out again with me covering the tab. I have had to drop a few "friends" along the way because I was going broke! This has also happened more than once with some family members as well. I hate it because I know that I am being suckered every time we have plans to go out.

Dating is another issue. Who pays? I always offer to pay but I have to tell you, the guy who allows me to pay on that first date never sees me again. The same goes for the guy who decides to go dutch. I understand that the rule is that the one who makes the date, pays for the date (at least in the U.S). But there is still this weird part of me that feels I should be paying. It's always uncomfortable for me when the check arrives and my date doesn't reach for the bill immediately. I feel like he may be sending me that signal that means "cough up some cash, babe". Unfortunately, if I had a few drinks, I always reach for the bill no matter who I am with! Then I hate myself - and them - the following morning.

I just don't get cheap people. All I know is that I can't stand to be in their company!! After all of these experiences with cheap people, I still don't know the best way to handle them

On Being Single

Memorial Day has come and passed. I managed to get away for the long weekend by flying off to Florida for a whole 48 hours. It was time, money and energy that was well spent, albeit a short trip. It was better than being couped up in my little apartment for 3 days where I would have spent too much of my time doing some thinking followed by some more senseless thinking.

One of the advantages of being single is that you do whatever you want, whenever you want. But the trade-off is that you have too much time on your hands. Well, at least that's true for me. And that is a bad thing.

I got to wondering if I was "getting away" for the weekend or if I was running away - from myself. I started entertaining the thought of being in a real relationship again and wearing my heart on m sleeve. It's a terrifying thought for me because I made some poor choices in men in my past. It's that fear that I know that I need to get over. I feel ready, however, to be in a relationship where there is give and take, and is healthy.

Life can't go on this way I, I have realized. It's so much nicer to share our experiences with the ones we love and care for. I am not the risk-taker I once was which is what is getting in the way of my being in a fulfilling romantic relationship. It's nothing more than fear which causes my paralysis resulting in my inability to take that leap and and jump in with both feet into a relationship.

Some people say that single people are just plain selfish. Maybe that is true to some degree. But what about those of us who would like to be a part of something greater than ourselves but are having difficulty in finding it? The difficulty for me goes back to my fear. I don't have complete confidence that I will invest my time and energy with the right person, so I remain alone. Again, that has been my choice so I can't bitch about it. Well, I suppose I can but what good would that do?

I would really like my next "get away" to be with someone that I care for and am compatible with. I know that I can't just keep running away from myself. It just doesn't work nor does my casual dating. I feel the emptiness.

Happiness: A Choice?

Winston Churchill once said, "You create your own universe as you go along". Indeed. We create our own destiny. It's not about luck nor is about kismet. We choose our thoughts which creates our feelings, which in turn creates the world as we each know it to be; either a good place or a bad one. There is so much power in the thoughts that we dwell on. And we should never underestimate them. Negative thoughts leave us feeling depressed. Conversely, positive thought have us feeling happy. We can't feel crappy if we're thinking happy thoughts. It's just not possible. Don't believe me? Well, then give it a go.

I recently stumbled upon a book called The Secret which addresses this very issue - the laws of attraction. Positive or pleasant thoughts attracts favorable events and "healthier" people into our lives. One negative thoughts can - and will - throw us into a depression, or a state of anger, jealousy, helplessness etc...AND brings undesirable people into our lives

The good news is that we can control our minds. But we must be aware of what is going on in our psyche. We can always choose to cancel out our negative thoughts we have with positive ones. My mind has always had a tendency to travel to very dark places. Once I visit my dark side, I find I'm on a path that takes me in a downward spiral. That's human nature. In the last 10 years or so, I have had a history of depression. One can say that it is genetic but in my case, it has always been situational. In other words, there were clear events that lead to my depression. What I have come to realize is that I was the cause of my own misery because I would re-play in my head all of the crap that was wrong or unfair in my life. I allowed myself to be consumed by my negative thinking.

It's been said by many that our thoughts are the primary cause of everything. "What we think about is what we bring about". It's also about how we choose to experience our experiences. In psychology, they call it "framing". It's how we decide to "frame" an experience that largely creates the affect and emotions that we attach to an event. I am guilty of having "framed" my experiences as being completely negative when, in fact, there has always been the proverbial "silver lining", even in the worst of times. I just chose to ignore them.

The choice is always ours: we can either look at the bright side or fall into the miserable trap of the dark side of anything and everything. According to The Secret and the laws of attraction, what we think about is what we get. If we dwell on our fears and worries, it's highly likely that we will attract even more fear and worries. Focus on the good stuff, and get more of the same. Sounds simple because it is. We have to shift our thinking and choose happiness over unhappiness. I'd like to add that I know that depressing things happen to each and all of us at some point. We cannot and should not dismiss the negativity that comes our way. But we must make a conscious effort to move forward and away from it after acknowledging it. My heart goes out to those who feel depressed because I know all too well what life looks like when we are in the throes of depression. I'm talking about clinical depression, not just feeling "blue"(but the same rules apply here as well).

None of this was easy for me in the beginning, and I am not going to pretend that is. It's mindset. We all live inside of our own minds. And it takes time to make that shift. Waking up in the morning should not be a dreadful experience for anyone. It does not have to be.

Turks Rank # 1 in ADULTERY

Straying power

May 24th 2007
From Economist.com

GATHERING reliable data on sex is notoriously tricky. Two years ago Durex, a company that makes contraceptives, surveyed more than 300,000 people in 41 countries, asking them about their sexual habits. The intriguing results suggest that Turks are the least faithful to their partners while Israelis are the least likely to stray. On average, around the world, one-in-five people has affairs, with Americans (deterred by the film Fatal Attraction?) and Britons slightly less likely to cheat and the French and the Nordics more likely to do so. Of course, the survey may just as well be a measure of varying levels of honesty in the different countries.

What an honor?? I really thought that the French had this one in the bag. Here's another reason for them to hate us.

Now does this mean I should start dating Israelis?

SEX

Do all men think make great lovers? Hell yes! And it seems to be that the men who talk about sex the most are usually the ones that are the greatest disappointment of all. Men seem to think that because they have a healthy libido, they are the ones who are most likely to please a woman. Wrong! Just because you may have a high sex drive doesn't necessarily mean that you're good in the sack.

During a recent horizontal bop, the guy I was with thought that talking dirty to me would somehow turn me on . I just wanted him to shut up and get to work. Then we have the men who think that sex is meant entirely for themselves, those selfish bastards! You know what I'm talking about here. This is the guy who thinks sex means taking off your clothes and immediately entering into the tunnel of love. Result: the sex lasts under 2 minutes with their female partner being less - a lot less - than satisfied. Then they actually have the nerve to ask, "did you enjoy it?". Enjoy what!?...I can't even remember it. It's over??

Here's some much needed advice, guys: learn more about the female anatomy. Sometimes the moaning and groaning we women are doing is our way of expressing boredom. To satisfy a woman means having to get to know her body. This means foreplay. Ever heard of it? It can actually work, if you would just try it, for a change. The anticpation is as great as the orgasm (assuming that we have one).

And I have to address kissing here as well. There is a fine line between erotic and disgusting. Don't, I repeat, DON'T ram your tongue down our throats. It does nothing for us. Start out with tender kissing. As a matter of fact, just stick to that for now, anway. We otherwise think you are trying to assault us! Just take it slowly. We woman are fully aware that you have a goal in mind that does not have anything to do with us.

I have had candid discussions about sex with many men, all of whom think they are awesome in bed. When I asked what made them think that they were skilled lovers, they would say ridiculous things like, "nobody has ever complained"! Well maybe that was because your tongue was inserted so far into her esophagus, she couldn't speak. Ever think of that? And honestly, how would that conversation go? "Ah honey, I don't know how to tell you this but..." Forget it, guys. She not going bruise your ego. (At least not until the break-up) And then men wonder why women fake orgasms. We fake it because you suck (in a bad way) and we just want to be done with it already. BTW, I have never ever faked one.

Now don't get me wrong, this by no means applies to all of you. Some of you are just absolutely amazing and know exactly what to do to rock a woman's world. But the rest of you may want to think about the women that you have had in the past and ask, "was she just stroking my male ego?". The answer is probably "yes". Sorry.

Solitude vs. Isolation

Once upon a time there was more drama in my personal life than I could possibly handle. Within a short span of time I got divorced, moved, started a new job, loved ones died, etc... And all of this overlapped. I thought that I was never going to be able to come for some air. There was always something stressful going on. But these days have been relatively quiet and I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't turn back the clock for anything unless there were a rewind button where I would be able to change somethings. There's no going back, however.

Now I live my life pretty much in solitude and that is by choice. I have successfully managed to do some house cleaning and gotten rid of the people in my life who caused me undue stress. I enjoy living alone and coming home to a quiet and serene apartment. I love the tranquility. It helps me feel centered in some strange way.

But there is a fine line between solitude and isolation. Solitude is healthy but Isolation is dangerous. I'm finding out that we need some stress in our lives. And by that, I don't mean some kind of drama; just some sort of activity. Although single life has plenty of advantages, it has been said that single people are more likely to get sick, be sick for longer periods of time and yes, die earlier than their married counterparts. This has been attributed to the lack of a support system for those who are single. I tend to believe this to be true.

I'm at a difficult place because I don't care to socialize with others all that much yet I still have a need for some social interaction. However, that would mean that I have to form relationships and for some unknown reason, the thought of that tires me. Where does that leave me?

I literally live just a couple of minutes outside of NYC where there is so much going on, and I feel as though that with each passing day life is passing me by. I rationalize my reclusive lifestyle by saying that I really just need to be alone. Or am I alienating myself from this world that has thrown me one curve ball too many? Is it solitude that I seek? Or have merely isolated myself from this big, bad world? One of these days I'll get back in the game and take my chances and risk being hurt and disappointed by others. But it's not going to be today. Maybe tomorrow?? Who knows!? The isolation is now definitely getting to me. Am I really ready to jump back into life with both feet. Somethings gotta give here. My life can't simply be about my work. God, that's a depressing thought.

Puppets

Sad to say, but I can hold onto a grudge forrrrrever. I don't know if that stems being Turkish or if it stems from the family I grew up in. Either way, I know that it's not a healthy way of living. Being pissed off takes a whole lot of energy that I just don't have.

I used to feel as though I was above judging others, but I am not. I do it as much as everyone else. We should just let people be who they are and take the good with the bad. Right? Easier said than done. During one of my meetings today with one of my bosses, who is a known liar, I kept thinking to myself, "this bitch just wants to take me down". But I made my best effort to act as if she were just another person who is muddling her way through life like anyone else. In other words, I tried to be compassionate rather than to fuel my anger towards her with more of the hatred that I really feel towards her. I wanted to start over with her and acted like the "team player" she wants for me to be. It was painful. Sucking up to others has never been my strong suit. But I got through it.

Now that brings me to the question : is it my family upbringing or is it a Turkish trait to never ever forget what the "bad guys" have done or are doing to you? In my family, if you are betrayed by anyone, that person is dead to you. They are a big ZERO in their eyes for life. I have family members who won't even acknowledge the person who has done them wrong even if they are sitting straight across from them. Forgiveness does not exist. Sad, but true.

When I look at Turkey as a whole and its politics, it very much reminds me of my own family. Turks never forget who has done what to them, and their memory is very, very long. I don't intend to get into politics here as I am merely referring to the diplomacy with which Turkey approaches other countries (ie. France and Austria, just to name a few) when the shit hits the fan.

I wonder if most Turks could have pulled off what I had to do at work today, and let bygones be bygones. That is, to just say, "it's all water under the bridge" and move on. I wanted to retaliate and screw my boss over the way that she had been doing with me. But at what cost? What would it have gotten me? And between you and me, the truth is that because I knew that I was very much on their radar, I really was doing a better job. I had to.

Now Turkey is taking some tough orders from some unfriendly folks who are in a more powerful position (talking about the E.U. here), and it's a bitter pill to swallow when you don't totally respect the ones giving the orders. But we still have to play nice, don't we? Not so easy for a country full of stubborn folks. And I am no different. At the end of the day, because Turkey knows it is on the radar of various watchdog groups and organizations, the country has been the beneficiary of the "beatings" and criticism it has been taking. The reforms that have been implemented have been a positive change, after all.

These grudges we hold in effect holds us hostage in that we can never grow and prosper if we see everyone as being out to get us. And the truth is, even our enemies help us to grow. Perhaps even more so. In these past few weeks where my 3 bosses had feeling like a worthless piece of crap, I have found myself to be a better employee because I had to show them what I am made of. I liken my small, little life to that of what Turkey is going through with the E.U. Change and conflict is healthy and is ultimately for our own good, even when it doesn't feel all that great in the beginning. But is there a point where we have the right to draw the line in the sand and say, "Enough"? Or do we just become puppets to those who are pulling our strings?

Restless Heart?

I prayed that I would not come home to a voicemail message from that job I interviewed for asking me to join their organization. It's an odd wish, I know. I don't want to be in a position to choose between a job that I generally like in exchange for new bosses elsewhere (that I may or may not like). Am I having separation anxiety - again? Is it better to deal with devil (and I do mean devil) you know, as they say? Do I have issues with authority? Is it me!? Well, is it?? My neuroses is in full throttle, as usual.

I have grown an unhealthy attachment to this place where I work. My neuroses (yes, that's plural) is so compatible with the crazies that I work with. They vibe me and I vibe them. It's just like the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I seek approval from some of my co-workers for no good reason. There are others that I loathe and expect to clash with just as I would with my own family. There are others that I am deperately still trying to figure out. And then there are those whom I could not care any less about. And, of course, I get my daily dose of drama. Yup, it's a lot like my family. But in the end, isn't "family" supposed to stick together, regardless of how screwed up they may be?

I sincerely think that we re-create all of our childhood dramas and traumas in our adult life long after we have left the nest. The workplace is just one of them. We live out the same crap in our relationships with our friends, lovers, neighbors...you name it, over and over again. So if I choose to move onto a new position elsewhere, things are likely to remain the same since I am the common denominator in all of my life experiences. (By the way, to you who is reading this, the same applies to you.) Being at this crossroad, I have had to take a long, hard and difficult look at myself and ask "how much of what bothers me is because of me?. It's so easy to just cut and run when the going gets tough. But is the grass really any greener somewhere else??